Teens
— February 2, 2012 —
I have recently discovered that l am an agnostic-atheist, but I would still like to keep in touch with my Jewish heritage. I do not feel comfortable going to temple and saying prayers about a God that I do not believe exists. I am confident that my parents will accept my religious choices. However I also cannot find a good time to introduce them to my newfound way of thinking. I hope you end up answering my question! — Michelle, 13
You’re at a stage of your life when you are probably questioning a lot of things, and that is normal. Although you say that you feel confident that your parents will accept your new way of thinking, your hesitation in talking to them may stem from your concern that they might be hurt or disappointed. You should also know that there is a difference between considering yourself agnostic and being an atheist, which is a topic you might want to discuss with your parents. Let them know that you want to keep in touch with your Jewish heritage, and together you can find ways to do that. Your previous religious experiences might not have felt right for you, but there may be other options that would align better with your beliefs. You might want to check out an organization, such as BBYO (BBYO.org), which includes Jewish teens with a wide range of views and offers many different programs, including community service opportunities.
Since Judaism is both a religion and a culture, it should not be too difficult to stay in touch with your Jewish roots without being involved in aspects of the religion that go against your beliefs. However, it can sometimes be hard to know where to draw the line. For instance, you may want to continue celebrating Jewish holidays but might not feel comfortable saying the prayers for those holidays. A great way to talk to your parents about your religious choices is to sit them down, explain that you are agnostic but still want to keep in touch with your Jewish heritage, and ask them to help you figure out the details. They can explain their own beliefs and how they view various traditions to help you make your own decisions.
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— January 5, 2012 —
My name is Kelsey and I am 14 years old. I have been having a lot of trouble lately. When I was just 10 years old, my mother passed away from cancer. I really miss her and when she passed it didn’t seem real for about 2 years. I wasn’t very depressed or anything until now. I am now realizing how hard it is to live without a mom and I now need her more than ever. I feel like I now have to live on my own and figure out everything a mother teachers her daughter and I always think that I won’t know how to get through life. Do you have any advice about what I should do? How should I deal with all of this? — Kelsey, 14
How sad to lose your mom at such a young age. It’s tough to go through the teen years and beyond without a loving mom to offer you guidance. Try to identify another female who can act as a role model and caring adviser to you. For several years now, I have been a surrogate mom to a young woman whose mom died of cancer when she was a teen. I speak to her often and see her whenever she is able to get time off from work to visit (she lives in another state now). My daughter lists her as her “sister” on Facebook—that’s how close she has become to our family. I have given her advice on everything from dealing with rejection from graduate school to figuring out what to wear to a job interview to recognizing whether she’s really in love. The relationship is a mutual one—she cares deeply about me and I can count on her to help me out as well. You sound like a very smart and caring person, and I hope you can find someone who can “mother” you through the difficult, frustrating, and joyous moments ahead.
Although there are many things that girls generally learn from their mothers, that doesn’t mean you can’t learn those things from someone else. You can learn a lot about growing up from your father, and for things that only a woman can teach you, you can talk to an aunt, a friend’s mother, or another close female adult in your life. You’ve been able to get through the past four years (and 10-14 are some of the most difficult and confusing years!) without your mother, so I’m sure you’ll be able to find support in other places to help you learn all those things about life that your mother would have taught you.
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— December 10, 2011 —
Hey there, I'm a 17 year old guy. I've had no gf before. I've added a super cute girl on Facebook like one week ago. She's from my school. One day later she accepted and sent me a chat message saying “ah you're the one from school” and we chatted for like 30 minutes about general school topics. It was really fun. Two days later I contacted her on Facebook to chat a bit, she's really beautiful and cute. Now today I saw her at school in the morning. I walked across her on the corridor we said hi—that's it. Later, I sent her a message (“hey”) from Facebook mobile. She didn't reply, but as I walked out with my friends she was in the corridor with her friends, don't know if she saw me. I didn't go to her and I've walked away with my friends. I was too nervous to go to this group of girls and say hi. Now she probably thinks that I'm a jerk who can only talk on Facebook. I don't know what to do now. Should I contact her again? I really don't know. Please help me. Thanks so much for every advice—I don't want to mess up (maybe I already did)! Thanks again and hope to hear any advice! — Gregg, 17
Sometimes, it’s easier to chat online than in person, so don’t be discouraged because you’ve found it difficult to do more than say “hi.” Remember that she agreed to be your friend on Facebook and then spent time chatting with you. Even if you didn’t handle your last encounter with this girl in the smoothest way, you can find another opportunity to have a conversation with her. You could send her a message on Facebook about something interesting that happened at school. But be prepared to follow up when you next see her. If she’s hanging out with other people, you could just smile and say “hi.” And if you see her alone, take advantage of the opportunity. She may not become your girlfriend right away or ever, but at least you will be gaining experience in talking with girls.
Since this girl is someone you are interested in getting to know, I think you should try to contact her again. If you would be more comfortable talking with her in person one-on-one, then I recommend trying to find a chance to approach her in that setting. Also, I understand you want this to work out, but try not to be so hard on yourself. If you reach out to her again on Facebook or in person and she is still not responsive, then I recommend moving on. You will have many other opportunities to meet other girls.
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— November 10, 2011 —
I am gay and can't find anyone at my school who is also gay and I have a hard time approaching guys. When it comes down to it I am just a lonely teen who needs advice on how to approach, flirt, or find a guy? — Danny, 16
It’s very likely that there are other gay students at your school, and you may even know some of them. People don’t go around with a label defining their sexual orientation. Instead of focusing on trying to identify who might be gay, try to act friendly and approachable in general. That way you’ll get to know lots of other kids at school, some of whom might be gay and are potential romantic partners. If your school has some kind of LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) club, join and volunteer to lead an activity or event to increase your visibility in the group. If such a club doesn’t already exist, you could find out what you need to do to start one. Or you could look for something similar at a community center.
To begin, there is not one right way to approach and talk to someone you are interested in romantically. What approach you take is a personal choice; it is up to you to figure what feels most genuine and true to who you are. If you are feeling isolated or lacking a source of support, I recommend seeking out a local LGBT youth center or PFLAG chapter, an organization devoted to providing support to gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender persons and their friends and families. My friend who is gay found that being involved with our local LGBT center in high school gave him a sense of community, which in turn helped him feel more confident in himself—and confidence is a major part of feeling comfortable enough to approach someone you like or want to get to know.
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— October 15, 2011 —
My mom and I have been arguing a lot and it’s because she will do anything for my brothers and not me. I know that she does things for me, but she doesn’t do the things that she would do for my brothers when they were my age. This guy I have been talking to for months now wants to meet me and he is 15. At first my mom said she would take me to go see him, but then my brother asked a week later if she could watch his kids for him on that day. I told her that I already asked her and she just went and told my brother that she didn’t have anything to do. I asked her the next Saturday if she could still take me. It has been almost a week since I asked her and my brother called again and asked and she is going to watch his kids again. I don’t know what else to tell her and I want to see this guy so badly because we are thinking about being more then friends. I’ve tried to explain it to her but I don’t think she cares enough to listen. What should I do and how should I deal with this? — Manda, 14
One possible explanation for your mom changing her mind about taking you to meet the guy you’ve been talking to for months (I assume you’ve been online with him) is that she just doesn’t want you to see him. Instead of telling you about her concerns, she finds excuses to avoid taking you. That’s pure speculation on my part and may not be the case at all. So, to get to the bottom of this situation, you need to come right out and ask: “Mom, why didn’t you take me to see the guy you know I’m interested in meeting? Is it because you really don’t want me to see him?” Another possibility is that she feels that she spends a lot of time with you and doesn’t get much time to play with her grandchildren. Instead of just asking again if she’ll take you to meet this guy, try to get her to open up about what’s really going on. Tell her you want her to be honest and that you’ve been feeling that she doesn’t care enough to listen to you. Give her a chance to explain.
It seems that you and your mother are on different wavelengths regarding what’s important. Your mother might feel that it’s more important to watch your brother’s kids and make sure that there is someone to care for them than to take you to go see a boy you like. It may not even necessarily be that she places more importance on your brothers’ needs than yours (perhaps if the roles were reversed and your brother was the younger one wanting to go see a girl he liked and you were the one who needed her kids taken care of for an afternoon, she’d help you out instead). However, what you need her to realize is that it’s not simply about which is the more important activity, but also about respect and keeping her promises to you. If you try explaining to her that it’s not only about you wanting to see this boy, but also about you feeling that she cares more about your brothers than about you. You can even tell her that you understand that sometimes things come up and that she won’t always be able to do what she says she will, but that you don’t think it’s fair if she always drops her plans with you to do something for your brothers. If you try to focus the discussion with your mother more on how she treats and respects you rather than on how important it is for you to go see this guy, it might help her to see your side of things better.
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— September 10, 2011 —
I’m having trouble with my father and I was wondering if you can give me some advice. So my father is an alcoholic and blames me for his drinking problem. He always treats me very horrible and I have no say in our relationship at all. I can try talking to him and he just doesn’t listen. He seems to turn it all around and bring up something else. I can guarantee when I’m an adult me and him won’t talk any more. Please give me some pointers. Thank you. — Christian, 16
You are not responsible in any way for your father’s alcoholism, no matter what he tells you. He is the only one who can decide whether and when he wants to do something about his drinking. You can’t make him stop drinking and you can’t him make him listen to you, but you can get help for yourself. Find out about Al-Anon, which was established to support families of alcoholics. In particular, look into their Alateen program and go to one of their meetings. You might also talk to a school social worker or school counselor who can give you advice in a confidential way.
I generally encourage open communication, but it seems that because of your dad’s drinking problem, that won’t work here. If you think there’s any chance you could convince him to get help for his drinking problem, try that. If not, just take care of yourself and make sure you have someone you can talk to about what’s going on, preferably a professional who can give you strategies for how to deal with your dad when he’s been drinking.
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— August 22, 2011 —
My boyfriend is in prison for the second time in the space of 6 months. All we ever do is argue and he doesn’t trust me. He thinks I’m out cheating when all I do is sit at home. He always says he’s going to change but i don’t believe him, I think he’s only saying that to keep me sweet. I’ve had enough of waiting for him. It’s nearly a year that we’ve been together and 7 months of our relationship he’s been in jail or too busy for me. I feel like I’m a barbie doll that he just keeps on his shelf collecting dust and when he gets bored that’s when he picks me up and uses me. He says he’s never felt like this before and that he has never treated any other girl with such respect except for me, but why do I feel like I’m his barbie doll? I ask him questions that matter to me and he instantly replies with what I want to hear. If I tell him anything he doesn’t want to hear he makes me feel like a waste of space for ever doubting him or even thinking of taking a break or leaving him. I’m at a crossroads right about now, I have my education to think of and he is becoming a constant distraction. I love him that I am sure of but his love for me is a bit too co-incidental. I think that he is in love with my looks not my personality. I need to know what to do in this situation. I love him very much but I doubt he genuinely feels the same way. — Honey, 16
If you received the letter you wrote to me from a friend, what advice would you give her? You’d tell her to drop this guy as quickly as possible. Why would you even consider staying with your boyfriend? Even if you love him now, how long do you think that love would last if he continued to lie to you, treat you with disrespect, and do stuff that lands him in prison? Move on with your life—think about what kind of future you want. I hope it doesn’t include visits to a prison.
It seems like you know what you should do—you just need someone else to tell you the same thing so you’re confident in your decision. So here it is: break up with him! He obviously doesn’t care about you in the same way you care about him, and he doesn’t treat you well. You deserve better. It will definitely be hard to break up with him, and it will hurt afterward, but you sound like you’re strong enough to handle it.
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— July 27, 2011 —
My sister is almost 4 years younger than me, but she is taller, better looking, more popular, and shows me up at everything that I do (except grades in our private school). My sister loves attention and throws fits if she doesn’t get it. She especially hates it if I get any attention from basically anyone and especially from our mom. Our mom has a full time job and then after she usually is on dates, or is out with her friends. So we don’t see her very often. In those hours that me and my sister are alone my sister acts like a brat and she tries to argue and fight with me. When our mom finally does come home my sister completely overwhelms her and she takes up all her attention until she falls asleep. I usually try and just stay out of it and I spend most of my time in my room doing schoolwork because I don’t want to have my guts ripped out of me for stealing the attention away from my sister. The problem is I now feel like our mom has completely forgotten about her other daughter but there is absolutely no time to talk to her about it. Is there anything I could do that could help without having my sister lose the attention she needs, but give me just a little if any of it? — Violet, 16
Although your sister demands attention from your mom, you deserve attention from her, too. Since your sister is only 12 or 13, she requires a different kind of attention from your mother. She needs more help making decisions and solving problems. While your mom might feel overwhelmed by her job, her social life, and your sister’s issues, you shouldn’t have to feel that your only option is to stay in your room. One suggestion is to tell your mom that you would like to spend more time with her and that you don’t want to have to fight your sister to get that time. Maybe you could help her with cooking or go shopping with her while your sister is at a friend’s house. While you’re doing those activities, you could bring up subjects that are important to you, issues that you want your mom’s opinions on.
It’s good that your first thought is to talk to your mom about how you feel, but it seems that your real issue is with your sister. Before you talk to your mom, tell your sister how you feel (in the nicest way possible). Try explaining that you don’t want to take the attention away from her, but you feel that you don’t get any time with your mom. Since it seems that your sister needs a lot of attention, it might also be helpful to talk to her and hang out with her when your mom isn’t home—that way she still feels like she’s getting a lot of attention. That might even be why she tries to pick fights with you.
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— July 1, 2011 —
Last year, my best friend Charlotte, now 14, was dating my best friend Benny, now 16, for about 3 months ( these aren't their real names). And during those months everyone was happy for them, especially me. But Charlotte decided that she just didn’t like him anymore and ended it. They still talk now and are still pretty close friends. But, at the beginning of this year, Benny asked me out, and of course I said yes, because I had always liked him—even when he was dating Charlotte. I just never said anything about it and put the thought in the back of my mind. It’s been a little more than 5 months for us, and I love him so much. But, sometimes I feel so bad for being with him. I feel like I just stole him from my best friend—even if I know she doesn't like him anymore. It makes me feel horrible and my stomach starts to twist and turn. There’s just this guilt feeling that I can't get rid of. I recently talked about my going out with Benny with my best friend Charlotte. And well, she told me that she was definitely okay with it and that she loved to see me happy with him. She said she wouldn’t let something small ruin our friendship. I love her for that. But even so, I just don’t feel as comfortable as I should be able to. Charlotte is the type of girl who knows how to have fun and isn’t afraid of anything. I’m the type of girl who’s always serious and acts too old for her age; a girl who wants to be able to have fun but can’t because she doesn't know how to anymore. And so when I see her talking to Benny, they always have so much fun and I always think ‘if they would’ve lasted, they would be so happy.’ And then I feel horrible all over again. It makes me cry sometimes. I also feel like my not being able to have fun holds Benny back. I want to change; not so much for anyone else, but more for me. I want to be able to learn how to have fun and not be so self-conscious and embarrassed all the time. I want to be able to be a 14 year old. Then, maybe, I wouldn’t have to hold anyone back or get in anyone’s way. Not even Benny. We haven’t been dating that long but we’ve know each other much longer. And I can see a legit future with him. And he’s told me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He even took a big risk and promised that he wasn’t going to leave me first. I know we’re still young, have our whole lives ahead of us, and shouldn’t be thinking about this kind of stuff, but we’re so for real about our relationship together. I don’t want something so small to ruin it for us. I don’t know what to do anymore. Sorry for writing so much, I just had to get some of the background information in so that my question would make sense. So anyway, how can I get rid of that guilt feeling? And how do/can I be able to learn to have fun and really act my own age? — Stuck, 14
I am so impressed with the way you expressed yourself. Your ability to look at relationships from everyone’s perspective makes you the kind of person people want to spend time with. Here are a few things to keep in mind that can help you deal with feelings of guilt about both Charlotte and Benny. First, Charlotte broke up with Benny—she no longer wanted to be his girlfriend. Second, Charlotte is a true friend and has already told you that she’s fine with you dating Benny. Believe her. Third, Benny has clearly indicated to you how much he cares about you, and you feel the same way about him.
About wanting to be a less serious individual, someone who knows how to have fun—here’s some advice about that issue. You said that you don’t know how to have fun anymore. Does that mean that you are too self-conscious to enjoy the silly things that happen? Think about enjoyable times from the past—what made them fun? Basically, you may be a fairly serious, mature individual—which is great some of the time—but you need to create a bit more balance. Ask Benny and Charlotte to support you as you try to see the humor in life. Watch funny TV shows and movies. Remember that people like you as you are, so just let yourself go a bit, and you’ll like yourself more.
You are certainly a very mature 14-year old, although I suppose for you that's part of the problem. Let me assure you though that it's definitely a plus. You've got a good grasp of your emotions and the situation, and being able to address that in a mature, sophisticated way will certainly help you out. Anyway, as for getting rid of the feeling of guilt you have for dating the same guy your friend previously dated, the simplest answer I can give you is that you have no reason to feel guilty. I’ve dated friend's exes and they’ve dated mine, and friends of my exes have dated me as well, so it certainly happens. It can be awkward sometimes, but especially if your friend is okay with it, there’s really no reason to feel guilty about anything. As for your boyfriend, don’t worry about what you think he deserves or feeling like you’re holding him back. If he thought you were holding him back or deserved better than you, then he wouldn’t be dating you. The fact that he is, and the fact that you two sound like you’re getting along so well, indicate that he’s happy with you and wants to be with you. They say that opposites attract, and while that’s certainly not always true, and at least some similarities are pretty important, sometimes it’s good to have one person who’s a little more outgoing or a little more adventurous and one person who’s a little more responsible and mature because they balance each other out.
Now as for trying to have more fun and be less self-conscious, that's also something you can definitely do. While you are certainly a very mature (and conscientious!) 14-year old, you are still 14, and there are lots of things for you to do. Keep an open mind about opportunities that arise. So even if something comes up that you think might not be for you or that you might embarrass yourself doing, give it a try anyway. You might enjoy it, and if you get embarrassed, it's okay. Everyone embarrasses themselves at some time in high school (and usually lots of times), and people usually forget about it pretty quickly anyway. It might take a conscious effort to say to yourself in your head “I'm scared, but I'll give it a try” or “I don’t want to embarrass myself, but whatever, I'll just do it anyway.” After awhile when you’ve done that a few times with nothing terrible happening as a result, it’ll get easier to just let go and have fun. It’s important to remember though that, although you’re 14 and you're still growing up and learning who you are, you don’t have to force yourself to become a completely different person. High school and college are good times to learn your boundaries and figure out your comfort levels, but you don’t have to change who you are to fit in. You just have to learn to be comfortable with who you are, and then the fitting in will come naturally.
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— June 3, 2011 —
I’ve just started dating my boyfriend and my parents approve. While they both like him, every time I come home from a friend’s house, they automatically assume that he was there and that I’m lying when I say he wasn’t. The same thing goes whenever my grades drop just a point (I’m an A and B student). My mom says she remembers what it’s like to be young since it wasn’t that long ago (she’s 35). The thing is, her teen years and my teen years are completely different. I would never hang out with the type of people she hung out with or sneak out of the house and lie the way she did! She can’t seem to understand this, no matter how hard I try! How do I get her to ease up on me? — Exasperated, 15
I can understand why you’re frustrated. Since you explained the situation clearly in your letter to this advice column, perhaps you can say it the same way when talking to your parents. Also tell them that you feel very bad when they accuse you of lying since you pride yourself on having an open, honest relationship with them. Remind them that you have given them no reason to distrust you, and that you’d appreciate it if they would try harder to listen to you.
It seems like you need to talk to your parents about what’s going on, but be careful about how you approach it! If you bluntly tell your mom that she should stop worrying because you’re not the way she was, she might get offended. Instead you could try saying that she and your dad have raised you well and have been able to use the mistakes they made when they were younger to teach you what not to do. Suggest that you come up with a plan together for checking in when you’re at a friend’s house so they won’t assume that you’re lying about where you are or who you’re with.
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— May 6, 2011 —
I’m 15 and my parents are really strict about letting me date. I have tried talking to my dad to NO avail. The problem is there is this girl that asked me out and I really like her. What should I do? — Alex, 15
At 15, most people are mature enough to start dating. You mentioned that your dad won’t listen to you. While you shouldn’t pit one parent against another, you might try talking to your mom and see if she can understand why you want to start dating. If she’s more open, ask her to help your dad understand your perspective. Mention to your parents that you want to keep your relationship with them honest and that’s why you wouldn’t consider doing something behind their backs. If they won’t budge from their position, ask what age they think would be right to begin dating. And then you’ll have to tell the girl you like that, much as you’d like to say “yes,” your parents have said “no” for now. Maybe the two of you can remain friends.
Try talking to your dad again, but this time ask him why he doesn’t think you should be dating yet. Then you can figure out what you can do to reassure him that whatever he’s worried about isn’t going to be a problem. You might also want to tell him about the girl you want to go out with and why you like her, and maybe even introduce her to your dad (as embarrassing as that might be). That will make it harder for him to say no.
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— April 1, 2011 —
My dad and I have a weird relationship. If we fight, he won't talk to me for days and he'll constantly insult me behind my back. I've always been 'daddy's little girl' and dealt with him yelling at me for being not good enough at sports and school (straight A student) my whole life but now I'm done. I actually stood up for myself four days ago. It started out as a discussion until he started screaming at me and calling me worthless. He hasn't said a word to me since, even if I ask him a simple question. I hate it when he does this. He does it frequently, even over little things. What should I do? — Worthless, 13
First, let me assure you that you are absolutely not worthless. Second, your dad is behaving very badly, and you deserve much better treatment. He may be feeling frustrated or angry for reasons that have nothing to do with you and then taking out his stress on you. That's not an excuse for his actions. You didn't mention your mom, so I don't know if she's around and able to help you with this situation. If she's not, please find another adult to talk to—perhaps a guidance counselor, nurse, or social worker at your school, or a relative, such as an aunt or older cousin. You need an ally to help you deal with your dad. Perhaps someone else can help him understand that his screaming at and ignoring you will only serve to weaken your relationship.
It sounds like your dad is acting like a teenager, while you're acting like a mature adult. He might be having trouble dealing with the fact that you're growing up and no longer automatically assuming that what he says is always right. But his behavior is still out of line. If he won't listen to what you have to say, try writing him a note. Explain that sometimes it's hard to live up to his high expectations and that you would appreciate it if he could be supportive instead of yelling at you.
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— March 1, 2011 —
This is my first time doing this actually. Asking for advice and all. Here's my problem: My dad got a job in a different city and we plan on moving. My parents already decided on a new school. It's very different from the school I'm currently attending. The curriculum's harder too. The reason my parents put me and my brother in this tough school because of one word: SCHOLARSHIP. They think it's easier to get one because this school's curriculum is WOW! I know they want me to have a good future and I completely understand that. Except that I just turned 14 and frankly I have never thought of my future. I thought I could just do what I love but they're not really stable jobs. More like, they're a risk. But they're what I want to do. I plan on choosing one of course but right now I don't think I can choose either. I just don't want to disappoint my parents and fail in life. They really want me to become a doctor or open my own business, but I hate blood and I suck at business. What do you think I should do? Do what I want and fail in life or do what I hate and have a steady future? — Lost Girl, 14
At 14, you don’t have to make up your mind about a career right now. You may think you have to choose between doing what you love (and failing in life) and doing what you hate (and having a steady future). Fortunately, you shouldn’t have to make that choice. My advice for right now is to keep your options open by doing well in your new school, exploring a variety of hobbies, and making new friends. You shouldn’t plan to be miserable at a career—that will definitely not provide you with a solid income. Learn as much as you can about a variety of different careers, many of which were not around when your parents were younger. You will probably find that your interests will change over time, and you might become excited by a job you had never even thought about before. Remember that when you work in a field you love, you’re more likely to be successful—and happy.
It's okay to not know what you want to do with the rest of your life at 14. There are also a lot of options besides what your parents want you to do and the jobs you want right now. One of them is probably something that's stable, but that you would also enjoy, but you definitely have time to figure out what that is. For now you should just try to do well in school and keep an open mind about what you might be interested in.
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— February 4, 2011 —
A boy in my homeroom asked me to an upcoming Valentine's Dance at school. Afterwards, one of his friends started a rumor that we are dating. Gossip at our school travels around like a wildfire, and his Ex heard about it. She hates me now, even though she was the one who broke up with him and it was months ago. We were never really the closest friends but got along pretty well before. (I was pretty good friends with her best friend). Her friends say she's jealous, but she denies it. She and some others don't like me now and are judging me without even getting to know me first. She is trying to not appear that way, though. What should I do about it? — Confused, 13
Unfortunately, rumors and gossip do spread like wildfire, particularly in middle school. You and the boy in your homeroom did nothing wrong. His "ex" might be jealous, even though she was the one who initiated the break-up. Instead of putting effort into trying to contain the rumor mill (which is typically very hard or even impossible to do), go ahead and enjoy the dance. Continue to treat his ex and her friends with respect, and they might begin to recognize that you're actually a very nice person.
You should talk to this girl and tell her that you and her ex-boyfriend are not dating, you are just going to a dance together. It sounds like she may still have feelings for him, which is something for her and him to discuss, not you and her. Explain to her that you are not looking to upset her and that what she heard was a rumor. Also tell her that you hope this will not get in the way of the two of you being friends. You may also want to talk to the boy you're going to the dance with, or his friend who started the rumor and say that you do not appreciate rumors being spread about you and that it has created a conflict with his ex-girlfriend. This might teach them a lesson about the harm rumors cause.
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— January 7, 2011 —
I just got back together with my boyfriend who I had been dating for a couple months. We broke up before because we would sometimes go a week without talking. I'm the kind of girl who likes to talk every day. Now we are back together, and whenever I'm talking to him I am so happy, but whenever we're not I'm always upset and gloomy for no reason. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my love for him. Do you think it's just because I haven't seen him in a while? Is talking daily too much? — Confused, 13
Although conversations with your boyfriend should be fun and something to look forward to, not talking every day shouldn't change your feelings for him. The issue may not be how often you talk, but something else. Perhaps what's going on is that talking with your boyfriend allows you to forget for a time about difficult personal issues that may have little or nothing to do with him. Maybe you're feeling insecure or worried about something. You might find it helpful to talk with a school counselor or another adult who can help you figure out what part of your mood is about your relationship with your boyfriend and what is about something else that you need to deal with.
Everyone is different. For some people, talking daily is a must, and they feel sad and neglected when they don't hear from their significant other on a daily basis. Other people can go a few days or longer without speaking and think nothing of it. The key is knowing which category the person you're dating falls into. My girlfriend is in the first category, but I actually happen to fall into the latter. Usually if I don't hear from her, it's not a big deal for me because I know she still likes me, and I just figure she's probably busy. But I know she likes to hear from me everyday, so I try to make an effort to talk to her on a daily basis because I know it's important to her, and when I'm too busy, she tries not to give me too hard a time about it because she knows that I don't place as much emphasis on daily communication. Relationships are about compromise—no two people are exactly the same, no matter how much you have in common, and on the issues you differ about, it's important to respect and consider each other's wants and opinions. As for whether you're losing your love for your boyfriend or whether you're simply sad when you don't hear from him everyday or don't see him for a few days, that's something only you can answer, but chances are if your emotions are about him—either you're sad because you miss him or angry because you haven't heard from or seen him—it probably means that you still have feelings for him, so you simply need to talk to him to figure out how to deal with them.