Books by Dr. M
Getting to Know the Real You: 50 Fun Quizzes Just for Girls
Teens
— July 8, 2010 —
Hi. I am having trouble with my mother. Well, we are doing a home schooling program and she is involved. We always disagree and almost every day I cry in pain and anger. What do I do? I need help.
— Carrie, 14
Dear Carrie,
Home schooling can be a challenge, both for children and their parents. You're together so much it's not surprising that there are disagreements. But when there's the kind of pain and anger you describe, it's hard to learn. It's time to talk to your mom about what's going on. I don't know whether attending a local school is an option for you, but if it is, definitely bring up that possibility for discussion. You're at an age when you probably want to spend more time away from home and become more independent. But if you're going to continue to be home schooled, ask your mom to brainstorm with you ways to make the experience more positive. If possible, bring a third party into the discussion, someone who can be more neutral and can facilitate a conversation that will not end in tears.
Dear Carrie,
You need to talk to your mom. Figure out the specific things that bother you and what you wish your mom did instead. Then calmly explain how you feel, and listen to what she has to say. More than anything, your mom wants you to be happy; she just probably thinks she knows the best way to make that happen.
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— May 21, 2010 —
Please note, there are two questions this time!
Question 1
I am a 13 year old boy and I am still not interested in girls. To be honest I would rather go play a video game than go out with a girl. Is that normal for someone my age? All the other kids in my class are all like "Let’s go out bla bla bla.” Will my puberty start late? Thanks.
— Sam, 13
Dear Sam,
Adolescents go through puberty at different times, and many boys and girls your age are not interested in dating. Try not to get pressured into doing something you don’t feel comfortable with. If you’d prefer to play video games, that’s absolutely normal. But don’t totally escape into the world of video games since there are lots of ways for teens to have a social life without dating. Try hanging out with friends—male and female—to become more comfortable in social situations.
Dear Sam,
You've got nothing to worry about. Everyone is different when it comes to development. An interest in dating will come with time, but for now, do the things you like to do. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. You've got plenty of time ahead of you to "go out," so wait until you're actually interested in it. You'll find it's a lot more fun to do something because you want to than it is to do what other people are doing just because your friends think you should.
Question 2
Okay, so here’s the thing. I went out with this guy for 4 months. He broke up with me like 3 days ago because we never saw each other. We see each other about 1 time a week. Well, two days after the break up, he said he was sorry and he made a mistake. I really like him a lot. He was my first kiss and a lot of other things. I just don’t know if he really made a mistake or if he just felt bad. He’s always asking me if I talk to other guys and I don’t know if he trusts me. Help.
— Confused and Hurt, 14
Dear Confused and Hurt,
Since you say you like him a lot, you might want to give him another chance. However, I am concerned by his constant questioning about your talking to other guys. A little jealousy is okay in a relationship, but someone who is overly possessive and doesn’t trust you could be a problem in the long run. You shouldn’t have to report to him about every conversation you have. And your relationship with him shouldn’t prevent you from having friendships with other guys. Think carefully about what you might be giving up to keep this relationship alive.
Sometimes, people don’t realize how important something (or someone) is to them until it’s gone, which could be what happened with your boyfriend. On the other hand, he might just want to get back together because he doesn’t want to hurt you. Let him know that you only want to be with him if it’s for the right reasons and also that things won’t work out if he doesn’t trust you. I hope things work out for you, with or without him.
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— March 1, 2010 —
My mom’s friend grew up around my boyfriend’s family and he is saying stuff about how my boyfriend’s family doesn't live up to anything and my mom agrees. But they don’t hear the stories I am told about the family problems that they have. In some ways it makes me wonder why people say the things they do about others. But I also want to know what you think I should do about what people say about my boyfriend’s family. Also, every time someone says something about them it makes me hurt. I don’t understand what to think. Can you elaborate that for me?
— Miranda, 14
Dear Miranda,
Ask your boyfriend what you can share about his family with your mom to help her understand the situation better. And tell your mom how much it hurts you to hear those bad things about someone you care so much about. She may not realize how much you are affected by what she and her friend say. Also, help your mom separate out her feelings about your boyfriend from things she has heard about his family. Remember that your boyfriend is only responsible for what he says and does, not for the actions of his family.
Dear Miranda,
It's tough when the people in your life don't all get along. It's even worse when they insist on saying mean things about each other to you. While you should respect their right to have an opinion, you might try asking your mom, her friend, and anyone else who says bad stuff about the people you care about to stop doing so in front of you. Explain that because you care about your boyfriend and your family, it makes you uncomfortable to hear them talk like that. It's completely normal for you to feel hurt when someone puts down someone you care about. Depending on how frequently they do it, it might take a couple times of asking for them to stop. Even though it might not happen instantly, because they care about you, they should try to respect your wishes.
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— Dec. 30, 2009 —
What do you do when you have an 18 year old pregnant sister and a 14 year old sister who gets everything she wants and it seems like you're left out all the time?
— Abby, 16Dear Abby,
I know it's tough to see your two sisters getting so much attention. You might want to mention to your parents that you would like to have a bit more of their time without having to resort to getting pregnant (not that you're planning to do that, but it will get their attention) or acting like a baby. You also might want to invite your parents to do something with you—a board game, a yoga session, or a group cooking session. Another strategy you might try is to let them know how much you appreciate it whenever they do give you positive attention.
Dear Abby,
With two sisters who need a lot of attention, it will probably be very hard to get attention from your parents, but that doesn't mean you have to be left out. Try spending time with your sisters. You can help your sister deal with her pregnancy or just do normal teenage things together so she feels more normal. Maybe if you try to include your younger sister in helping out your older sister, your younger sister will see that everything doesn't have to be about her all the time. Plus, maybe your parents will notice how kind and responsible you are and be proud of you.
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— Sept. 20, 2009 —
My boyfriend is in college and he's invited me to multiple parties. I really want to go and my friends from school are going too. My parents would freak out if they knew. Is it worth it to ask to go?
— Deena, 17Dear Deena,
Although you suspect that your parents will say “no,” you won't actually know their answer until you ask. They might feel reassured if they know that your friends will be at the party, too, since you can all look out for each other. But if your parents still aren't convinced, you'll have to hold off on college parties for a little while. The upside: you and your boyfriend can still spend time together outside of college parties.
Dear Deena,
It doesn't hurt to ask your parents if you can go. You can tell them that you'll be with your friends at all times, so they don't have to worry about your safety. Since you said your parents would freak out, it seems like they still might say no, but there's a chance you can convince them.
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— July 1, 2009 —
What should you do if you're involved with a guy older than you (let's say he's 24 years old)?
— Monica, 16Dear Monica,
I'll be blunt—I don't think it's a good idea. That eight year age difference may not be a big deal once you turn 21 and he's 29, but at this point in your life, the difference is huge. While you're worried about what to wear to senior prom and what your SAT scores will be, he's concerned about job performance reviews and maybe settling down and starting a family. It's understandable that you might find each other attractive, but you would be better off looking for a relationship with someone whose expectations are similar to your own.
Dear Monica,
In some cases, that kind of age difference can work out fine, but you both have to be in the same place in your lives and on the same page in your relationship. Talk to your boyfriend to find out whether you're both looking to get the same things out of the relationship. You should also talk to your parents to make sure it's okay with them that you're dating someone so much older than you.
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— May 15, 2009 —
One of my friends expects me to know the answer to all her problems. Sometimes I do, but there are times I don't. What do I do when I have no clue?
— Kayla, 16Dear Kayla,
Your friend might expect you to have the answers, but that doesn't mean you actually need to know how to deal with every problem that comes her way. If you aren't sure how to help her, suggest some other people she can turn to—a parent, a teacher, an older sibling or cousin. If her problem seems to be very serious, encourage her to talk with a guidance counselor or school psychologist or social worker. Remember that sometimes the best way to help a friend is to just listen to her vent, which will allow her to figure out her own answers to her problems.
Dear Kayla,
Sometimes you don't need to have the answer to your friend's problems. You just need to listen to her so she can figure it out. If neither of you can come up with an answer, feel free to refer her to our website! Remember that if your friend is dealing with a serious issue, talk to a trusted adult.
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— April 11, 2009 —
If your boyfriend disses your BFFs, should you dump him?
— Raven, 15Dear Raven,
Lots of possibilities here. Your boyfriend might be overly possessive and jealous of the time you spend with your other friends—that's a danger sign in a relationship. Your boyfriend might feel comfortable enough with you to joke around with your friends and doesn't mean any disrespect. Your BFFs might be treating you or your boyfriend in a disrespectful way and your boyfriend is reacting to their actions. Your boyfriend feels better about himself when he disses other people. Before you rush to dump your boyfriend, have an honest conversation with him. And if your BFFs are doing their own share of dissing, a discussion with them is in order. The worst outcome? You do nothing and eventually lose your friends and your boyfriend as you get caught in the middle. The best outcome? Your insights help your BFFs and your boyfriend understand themselves better and the dissing stops. So, open your eyes to what's truly going on and then take the appropriate action.
Dear Raven,
You should talk to your boyfriend about what he said before you make any changes. Ask him what he meant or why he said it. While it's important to stick by those you care about, just because they both like you doesn't mean they have to like each other. Try to solve the conflict between them, but if they won't become friends, just let them both know you won't sit by and listen to either one say something bad about the other. Then, if he won't let up about your friend, maybe it's time to look for someone who fits you better. Let me know how things turn out.
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— March 9, 2009 —
Why do girls rely so heavily on external validation? Why can't they just have a stable, internal self-image created from inner awareness like the average guy? My girlfriend constantly seeks approval and validation from me and sometimes even other guys! I feel as though she'll never be satisfied with herself, and personally I think it's a very slippery slope to define yourself only through how others view you—don't you? Thanks!
— ConcernedDear Concerned,
Boy, are you making a broad generalization. Focus on your relationship and your girlfriend. It might appear to you that she's constantly seeking approval from others because you're just not giving her the attention she needs. Instead of waiting for her to ask, find opportunities to genuinely compliment her. If your girlfriend is much more insecure than most, you could gently suggest counseling to help her build her feelings of self-worth.
Dear Concerned,
Not all girls rely heavily on external validation, just like not all guys have an internal self-image created from inner awareness. Many girls do seek approval and validation from others because of societal expectations, and in some cases, because of low self esteem. Your girlfriend may not actually be defining herself through how others see her, but rather is looking for others to confirm her worth. All people do that to some extent, but in some people that sort of validation is the ends rather than the means of having self-confidence. Talk to your girlfriend to figure out why she feels like she needs validation from others and what you can do to help her be more confident. Perhaps your girlfriend doesn't even see it the same way you do.
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— February 20, 2009 —
I am the oldest (14) in a family of three girls, and sometimes I don't do anything wrong, but I always have to take the blame.
— AlyssaDear Alyssa,
Why do you have to take the blame for someone else's wrong-doing? Just because you're the oldest of your sisters doesn't mean you’re responsible for their actions. Being responsible for just what you do is hard enough. Instead of passively accepting the blame, speak out and let your parents know you're not the guilty party.
Dear Alyssa,
When you say that you have to take the blame, do you mean that your sisters always blame you for things that they've done wrong or that your parents are the ones who blame you for the things that your sisters do wrong? If it's the first scenario, talk to your sisters. Tell them that they need to take responsibility for things they've done wrong so they can learn from their mistakes. Once you've given them fair warning you shouldn't feel bad about telling your parents the truth about who was responsible for a certain situation. Just don't suddenly tell your parents about all the things your sisters have done wrong in the past. If it's the second scenario, talk to your parents. Tell them that you understand being the oldest comes with certain responsibilities, but you don't think you should have to take the blame for things that your sisters have done that you had no control over. Explain that you're more than willing to be a good role model for your sisters, but that doesn't mean you should get in trouble when they make mistakes.
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— February 6, 2009 —
I just broke up with my boyfriend because I thought he was cheating on me. A few weeks later, I found out it was just a rumor and I feel really bad about it. What should I do?
— Randi, 15Dear Randi,
Unfortunately, you learned a valuable lesson the hard way. You allowed a rumor to control your actions. It may be too late to save your relationship, but it's not too late to apologize, hard as that may be. Let him know that you were wrong not to trust him and to listen to rumors.
Dear Randi,
All you really can do is talk to him about it. Admit your mistake and apologize. If you still have feelings for him, tell him, but know he might be hesitant about starting the relationship again. The worst that happens is you learn a lesson about trusting rumors.
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— January 5, 2009 —
I'm a straight A student but whenever I'm having a problem, my mom yells at me for not being on top of things. How can I get her to stop doing this to me?
— Sasha, 15Dear Sasha,
Your mom is probably yelling at you mainly because she's frustrated with something in her own life. Maybe she's the one having trouble staying on top of things. Find a quiet moment at home to talk with your mom about this pattern of yelling. Let her know that when you talk to her about a problem, you need her support and understanding. And remind her that your A grades indicate that you are staying on top of things.
Dear Sasha,
Explain to your mom that it stresses you out when she yells at you. Clearly, you're responsible enough and are able to keep up with your schoolwork even when you have a problem. Tell her you'd appreciate it if she'd remain calm and help you figure out a solution instead of yelling at you. Your mother probably doesn't realize that her yelling is making you so upset. Your mom cares about you and about your grades, so she should want to do whatever she can to help you.