Parents of Teens & Young Adults
— February 2, 2012 —
My 21 year old daughter is really in need of some help. Since she graduated high school, she has basically done nothing to begin taking steps toward adulthood. She enrolled in community college and dropped out after a couple of weeks. She got laid off from her full-time job over a year ago, and has not even tried to find another job. She is content to sit around and watch tv or visit friends. Last April, I had enough. I gave her a time frame to either find a job, or get back in school; she chose to move to my mother’s house, "and get a fresh start." Since then, she had a part time job as a hostess during the summer and is now working a temp job that ends this week. She has no idea what she wants to do with her life, no motivation or goals to work toward. She has excessive bills that she tosses in a pile and never pays. She avoids any type of conversation regarding her lifestyle or her future. If my mom or I attempt to discuss things with her, she immediately gets defensive and hostile. I have sent her to counseling, life coaches, seminars, etc. to help get her to become a responsible, motivated person. I am at my wits end. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you — Mom in Distress
I hear how frustrated you are, but keep in mind that you have probably talked to your daughter so many times about her lifestyle and her future that she no longer listens to you. Instead of going over the same points and telling her what you think she should do, ask her questions. Listen to what she says. Your daughter is probably feeling frustrated, too. Remember that she got laid off a full-time job, later took on a part-time job as a hostess, and is now working at a temp job that is ending. With the difficult economy we’re in, she’s probably having a hard time finding many job openings. Giving your daughter an ultimatum didn’t work. While you’ve sent her to coaching and counseling, see if you can help your daughter find a program that feels right for her. While she is not following the life plan you would like her to, look for opportunities to let her know that you’ve noticed that she’s been trying, such as when she took a temp job. She might start listening a bit more if she feels that you understand her perspective. While it will be hard for you to change tactics, nagging hasn’t gotten you anywhere, so it’s worth taking a chance at a new strategy.
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— January 5, 2012 —
My 17 year old son was born and has lived his life in his mother’s country, where we still live. He is an American citizen. Last year he went to 10th grade in the US and had his best school year ever, and he loved it there. He had to return after a year; now he refuses to go to his old school here. He’s rarely home, I don’t know where he goes or what he does, and he won’t talk about anything. His school here has no counselors. Any idea what I can do? — Steve
Tell him that you understand how disappointing it must be to have experienced a wonderful year at school and with friends and then to have to return to his old, less satisfying life. His school may not have counselors to help your son deal with the transition back to the country where he was born and grew up, but you may be able to find support from a community agency. Perhaps your son might be convinced to return to school if he knows that when he completes high school, he can apply to attend college in the United States. The most important thing is not to let your son get away with just disappearing during the day. Even if he doesn’t want to talk to you right now—he’s probably too angry to do that—you should continue to talk to him.
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— December 10, 2011 —
I have a 19 year old son who has NO MOTIVATION!! He sits around the house until his friends get off work or out of school (he did graduate last year) then goes out and smokes pot (and who knows what else) till all hours of the night even though we have set a time for him to be home at night. We keep telling him to find a job or get into school but he can't even pass a drug test during the physical exam. We have threatened him with having to move out of our home if he continues to use drugs but all I can do is picture him walking the cold streets with nowhere to go. We are so frustrated, please help! — Anna
I’m not surprised that you’re feeling frustrated and angry about the situation with your son. But, if you’re not prepared to actually tell your son to move out, don’t threaten him with that. Your son has already figured out that your threats are meaningless. Instead, tell him what he needs to do to stay at home, such as spending a certain amount of time every day either looking for a job or taking courses that will prepare him for a specific technical career and doing daily household chores. Don’t make his life at home easy for him. Forget about trying to enforce a curfew—that’s the least of his problems. You could also try talking to his friends, who are working or in school—they might be able to influence him to pursue one or the other. I would also suggest that you research social service agencies in your community that may be able to help him and you deal with his issues.
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— November 10, 2011 —
I am in the process of getting divorced, and my teen daughter told me that she’s happy about it. Is that a good sign or should I be concerned that she’s saying that just to protect me? — Brenda
Sometimes, the household situation before a divorce is filled with so much loud fighting that kids are actually relieved that they will soon be living in a more peaceful environment. Also, remember that even though your daughter might want to see the end of the daily hostility at home, she will still need support during and after the divorce. As difficult as it is, work hard with your ex-husband to show your daughter that she is cared for by both of her parents. Look for subtle signs of distress in your daughter—they might not show up right away. And don’t use her as a confidant related to your ex-husband. She should not feel that she has to protect you. That’s your job as a parent. Find your own sources of support to help you during the tough weeks and months ahead.
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— October 15, 2011 —
My 16-year old son is going through a rough time. He is gonna have a baby he was not prepared for. He feels angry. I tried to be there and tell him that I’m gonna support him in every way. I can’t talk to him—he gives me attitude and is disrespectful. We got into a discussion and he said he doesn’t need me or want me to be in his and his child’s life, and that he hates me. I’m not sure how to handle the situation. I feel like I’m losing him. — Yarie
The good news is that your son plans to participate in his child’s life and is not leaving the baby’s mother to deal with the child on her own. The bad news is that he’s 16 and not emotionally mature enough for such adult responsibilities. Your son will need your support, but he is not ready to accept it yet. You are a safe person against whom he can act out his frustrations and angry. Give him a bit of time to cool down, but remind him that you love him, and that you want to help him and his baby in any way that you can. One of most important ways to support your son is to encourage him to stay in school so that he and his child can have a chance at a real future.
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— September 10, 2011 —
I have a son of 23 who wants to quit a well-paid training contract of 3 years (he has already finished 1 year) to become a singer/songwriter. He has never performed in public and is self-taught. He left university with an excellent degree and we cannot persuade him to continue for 2 more years, doing his music in the evening and weekends. He came back to live at home after university and I had hoped he would move out soon but this is unlikely now if he is not earning anything. He wants to go full time to music college and I expect he will ask us to fund this, which I definitely won’t. I sort of know that I should now just step back and let him get on with it even though I know he is making an enormous mistake. It is very unlikely he will ever make any money out of performing and I can’t understand why he is naive enough to think that he will. Friends and family (including 2 musicians) have all told not to give up the day job yet but he is totally stubborn. I don’t even know how to speak with him anymore as our conversations start off friendly and then he becomes very challenging as he blames me and his dad for all his problems. Do hope that you can give me some guidance on how to encourage him to grow up and accept responsibility as an adult. — Marion
While you can continue to try to influence your son’s life decisions, they are his to make. That doesn’t mean you need to financially support him or even agree with those decisions. He may feel that if he doesn’t try now to see if he can create a career in music, he may never have that opportunity. If he wants to go to music college, make it clear that you will not pay for it. If he is truly motivated, he will figure out a way to work part-time and take out loans to fund his musical education. Then if he fails at a music career, it will be because he tried it and wasn’t successful, and he will not resent you for preventing him from following his dream. And you never know, maybe he’ll succeed and surprise you.
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— August 22, 2011 —
My sixteen year old son has been rebellious in the past, but in the last year he has really made progress and I thought the worse was over. He started going to church again, hanging out with a better crowd, even got a job. Recently it’s like he has made a 180. It seemed to start with him trying to go out with a girl he used to have a crush on that was a party girl type. Then I started catching him in lies—saying he was hanging out with one friend when in reality he was reconnecting and hanging with his friend that he used to hang with (and they all party). I found out he was smoking. First he said he only did it when he was stressed but seems like it’s a lot worse. Then I found a pipe to smoke weed in his room. He tells me he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and it doesn’t matter what his father or I think about it. I took away his car and told him I could not be liable for him if he was going to do illegal substances. I took away his cell phone hoping it would be more difficult to be with the friends. I told him I would not give him any money because I was not going to support his smoking or drugs. We have had several drama filled conversations where we have tried to debate the issues but I don’t feel we are getting anywhere. He is filled with anger. I am just not sure what to do next. I can’t keep him pinned up 24 / 7 like I would like. By the way he was totally into biking and now he tells me I can sell his bike. I’m scared. I know plenty of teens smoke weed but it scares the hell out of me cause I’m worried it will lead to worse. I have never seen him come home intoxicated or high but I’m scared to let him do anything right now. Please give me some practical advice. He thinks I have overreacted and says he will be honest with me but I’m not going to be happy with what he tells me! I never saw this coming. He hasn’t talked to the good friends since he started up with the old ones. — Mrs. B
Being the parent of a sixteen-year old is not an easy job. Many teens spend a lot of time experimenting and testing limits. Your son is probably lying because he is trying to avoid the fighting that goes along with telling the truth. Of course, you’re upset that your son is smoking marijuana and hanging out with kids who smoke and drink. But if you and your husband react by grounding and fighting with your son constantly, you’re not likely to change the situation. Instead, your son will just be more secretive. Try to talk to him in a calm way, letting him know that you’re disappointed, but that you love him and are concerned about some of the things he’s begun to do and who he’s chosen to hang out with. Ask him why he’s given up biking and friends that he had been so close to before. Listen to his answers. You can’t tell him how to feel, but you can tell him what you and your husband expect from him and what you would like him to do. Taking away his car is a good idea, but I wonder why you gave it to him in the first place, rather than waiting until he was older and could earn enough money to buy one and pay for the gas and insurance. Part of your job as a parent is preparing your son to be independent and to make good decisions. Many families need some professional help in getting their children to that place. If you approach counseling as something for the family rather than to take care of your son’s problem, he will be more likely to go along with it. And if you feel that your son is in serious trouble, don’t give him a choice—parents are the one who need to make decisions like that.
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— July 27, 2011 —
My son, 23, just completed 2 college degrees. He has come home to work at an 8-week internship. Following the internship, he wants to move to New York. He plans to use his earnings of $3,000 as a cushion for his living expenses. He does not have a job or apartment in New York. I know that New York is an expensive city even when a person lives in the most reasonably priced areas. Moving without a job seems irresponsible to me. I told my son that if he moves without a job, he cannot count on me for support to rescue him. He thinks that two months is enough time to find some sort of job and he will eventually find his desired job in magazine design. Of course, he can live at home, free of charge until he finds a job. He just doesn’t want to wait. How do I let him go under these circumstances? — RJ
Your son is a 23-year-old college graduate who has made up his mind about what he wants to do in the near future. You’ve made it clear that you will not support him if he moves to New York City and can’t find a job. Your son’s confidence will be an asset to him as he looks for work. It’s really not a question of you letting him go—as an adult, it’s his decision. After your son’s eight weeks at home, you might both be ready for him to move out. You can best support him by suggesting job hunting and interview strategies along with tips for living most economically.
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— July 1, 2011 —
In Missouri kids can move out when they are 17 and parents can’t stop them. However they cannot see a doctor without a parent, they can’t leave school or miss school without parental consent, they can’t do anything without their parents, and parents are still legally responsible for a 17 year old. My daughter is living with her 17 y/o boyfriend who happens to be her 4th cousin—his grandpa and my grandma are siblings. Neither one will look for a job, they both have dropped out of school, and they depend on all of us parents to support them. My whole family is disgusted and humiliated, but I am unemployed and have 2 other kids that I am responsible for on 140 a weak. My bills are all unpaid, my daughter has been seeing specialists for various health issues practically twice to 3 times a month. We travel 120 to 400 miles to see these doctors. I’m letting rent go unpaid for months to pay for theses trips that she insists dragging her boyfriend on every time. Then I am expected to feed him every single time multiple times cause he’s a heavy person with what seems to be an insatiable appetite. He is super super picky so we end up eating at some place out of my price range and not once in over a year has any type of thank you come out of his mouth. I am buying him clothes and shoes, and it’s all too much for me. They have no vehicle, and they won’t even look for jobs. They stay up playing video games til dawn and sleep til evening. They are filthy slobs, they are both so lazy it’s just disgusting, every where they stay even for one day is a pig sty. He stinks so bad I have had to ride with my face out the window. My 21 y/o son confided to me 4 days ago that he’s so ashamed of his sister that he’s embarrassed to be related to her. and financially I’m at the very end of my rope, I want to tell her either she moves home or I’m cutting her off, but I know I can’t stick to that, I’d feel guilty. I feel horrible just for getting upset about having to pay for everything for him, like I’m being selfish. I was saving so I could move and start school but they have sucked it all dry and it makes me start to cry typing it now that it doesn’t look like that’s ever gonna happen now. I’m doomed to this life of extreme poverty. Please tell me what to do. — Jolene
You situation is a very distressing one, but please do not give up. You have other options that you have not yet begun to explore. You are doing way too much for your daughter and her boyfriend, and you’re allowing guilt to control your actions. You are neither legally nor morally responsible for your daughter’s boyfriend, so stop paying for his expenses. You are making it too easy for them to take advantage of you. Don’t even think about taking them to a restaurant that you can’t afford. If your daughter’s health requires trips to a doctor hundreds of miles away, bring food in a cooler and tell her that you don’t have the money for anything else. If her boyfriend wants to accompany her, he needs to bring his own food. You and your other children deserve better, so don’t let your daughter’s selfishness ruin all of your lives. You can be a caring mom while saying “ no” to unreasonable demands, and start right now.
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— June 3, 2011 —
Our 19 year old daughter has just completed her freshman year of college. She has always been an exceptional student, but struggled academically during her first year of college (away from home). She is reconsidering her career path and uncertain about what to do and major in when she returns to school this fall. She is in danger of losing her scholarships if she doesn’t bring her grades up and get on track. I have finally realized that we (but especially me) have spoiled her. We have not taught her to be responsible. We’ve gone out of our way to give her things and do for her. We have always been so proud of her and her accomplishments. She is very talented, smart, and attractive. She doesn’t get in trouble (no drinking or drug use, etc.) BUT she is disrespectful to us, disobedient about chores and requests we make, etc. She is always asking for money and we have always given it to her (within reason) as we felt it was a reward for good behavior and grades. But, the bottom line is she doesn’t show us any respect. You are probably thinking we are getting what we deserve for not putting our foot down and requiring respect and having rules and consequences. If so, you are right. The question is what to do now? I am very hurt about all this—she treats us so badly yet we give so much. She is an adult, but still very dependent on us for $ and college, etc. How do we go back at this stage and teach respect, responsibility, etc.? I am afraid we have not helped her develop life skills for adulthood (like budgeting, respect for authority, etc.). Please advise us. I’m at my wit’s end. — Nadine
I do not think you’re getting what you deserve. Like most parents, you did the best you could. When you spoiled her—by not asking her to do chores or to budget an allowance—you certainly weren’t intentionally trying to create a disrespectful, irresponsible daughter. As you said, the real issue is—what can you do now? Take advantage of the summer to communicate honestly and often with your daughter. You can’t change things with one conversation. Instead of overwhelming her by talking about her grades, her disrespect, and her change in college plans at one time, take advantage of moments that arise in which the conversation could veer naturally toward one of those topics. For instance, if she says something to you in a nasty way, you could respond calmly with something like the following: “I can’t let you talk to me in that tone of voice. I can listen better to you when I feel that I’m being treated with respect.” Be sure to also praise her when she does or says something that merits a positive response. It’s even more important to reward good behavior than to react to the negative. And be patient!
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— May 6, 2011 —
My daughter (18) rebelled after she graduated from high school in 2010. She had 4 different scholarships and didn’t go anywhere. She met a 25 year old guy who she has obsessed over. They have broken up but still see each other and constantly talk. I think he has her on a leash. She wanted to move out and start college winter term, but classes she wanted were full. So since January she says she is looking for a job and still doesn’t have one. She wants to move back home because of local friends to party with. I don’t trust her coming home because of her laziness, lack of ambition, and disrespect. I know that her friends are her priority now, but how or what can we do to get her to be more responsible living at home? — Barbee
Keep in mind that you will have much more influence over your daughter if she’s under your roof than living elsewhere. By the way, you don’t say where she is living now and how she can afford rent and her other expenses since she doesn’t have a job. Your daughter is evidently bright, and you should encourage her to go on to college where she’ll have opportunities to meet a variety of people in her classes and her dorm (if you and she decide that she will live on campus). If your daughter comes home, the two of you should negotiate the rules, including talking with respect and doing household chores. Don’t make it easy for her to live at home (in other words, don’t allow her to sleep until noon or get away with leaving her dirty dishes on the table). But do make it comfortable for her to begin to be more responsible and ready for the challenges of college. A final suggestion is to think of a college student or a recent graduate who might be able to talk to your daughter about the advantages of attending college. Be firm, but still supportive.
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— April 1, 2011 —
Well, I am 17 years old have just taken in my little 15 year old sister. We have some difficulties with her, she wants to stay with her 17 year old boyfriend on the weekends and when I tell her no she retaliates. I try to correct her thug life if you may say, but she believes that what she says goes. I understand that she is a child but how do I earn the right to stand up and say enough is enough and take charge. I took her in because my mom had abused her and I am all she's got. I do not want to give up on her but I am running out of options. Please help me. I have been very reasonable, calm, and understanding with her but I have a deep gut feeling that if I don't find a solution things will get a lot worse for her. — Sister Being a Mom for Her Sister
I am impressed that you have such a strong commitment to your sister that you have taken on a maternal role to make sure she is taken care of. But you're just a couple of years older than she is, so I am not surprised that you are having trouble controlling her. Since your mom abused her, some of her behavior problems may also be a result of her negative experiences with authority. Both of you need to get some help. If there is no responsible adult in your extended family, you might want try to find some support from a social service agency in your community. If you are still in school, talk to a guidance counselor or social worker—they are trained to deal with difficult family situations.
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— March 1, 2011 —
My 19 year old is a recovering addict. She's done some pretty demoralizing things thus far but is currently trying to get control of her life back. She's adorable and can get the attention of just about anyone. She is in college with very good grades, she works part time as a Tae Kwon Do instructor's assistant and is a black belt herself. It's pretty obvious that her self esteem is low by her choices and lack of confidence. Her boyfriend is 22 years old lacking good looks, personality and intelligence. Until my daughter entered into his life, he didn't even have a high school diploma. He finally has one because my daughter spent $350 of her savings to buy one for him and basically complete all of the exercises online for him. He is unable to drive until he is 24 years old due to a DUI a couple of years ago. Not that it matters because he would not be able to buy a car anyway. He lives with his parents and 3 brothers and 3 year old nephew. His oldest brother is the 3 year old's dad; the child's mother left after birth due to drug abuse. His youngest brother is only 2 years old. His dad is on disability and his mom works 2 jobs at a Burger King and some other fast food place. My daughter's pathetic boyfriend recently started working after, who knows how long, at Pizza Hut. He comes from nothing and has nothing. He tells my daughter that he will kill himself if she is to ever leave him. He praises her to the end of the earth and she is sucking it all in. I do not allow my daughter possession of a car due to her previous drug abuse and he can't drive so I stupidly drive her to his house sometimes. I also allow him to come to our house a couple of times a week and he walks over 4 miles to get here. They both know how against their relationship I am because I constantly nag at her and she reports to him every word out of my mouth. My two older children who do not live with me are tired of hearing about this and I am literally getting myself sick. My husband works out of state and is home only a couple of weekends a month. The drama in my home is out of control. Can you give me some input? — Ann
You’ve tried nagging, and that’s not working, so stop. Your daughter and her boyfriend have both had problems with drugs in the past. She is successfully turning her life around, but she has had support from you to do that. On the other hand, her boyfriend’s parents seem so overwhelmed by the problems they’re dealing with that they can’t give him the support he needs. Telling your daughter how awful her boyfriend is will not likely spur them on to a break-up. In fact, as a point of rebellion, it might actually cement their relationship. Instead, why not try to accept him, remembering that he is not responsible for the problems in his family. He does have a job, and maybe the next step might be for him to take a college course (but not with your daughter doing his work). Understandably, your older children don’t want their sister’s relationship with her boyfriend to monopolize their relationship with their mom. Work hard to discuss other topics—maybe focus on what’s going on in their lives. Even though your husband is only home a couple of weekends a month, ask him to play more of a role in your daughter’s life. He can befriend this young man and perhaps be a positive influence on him. As a mother myself, I know how tempting it is to tell your children what to do when they’re in situations that may not be good for them. But if you keep pushing, you will lose your daughter and any influence you still have over her.
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— February 4, 2011 —
My daughter graduated from college last year and now has a new job and a new apartment in a new city. I'm worried about her because she often seems sad and lonely. I know she's an adult now, but I want to do something to help her. — Julia
Your daughter has made several big changes in her life, so it is not surprising that she's having a rough time right now. Some people fly smoothly through life's transitions, while others take a while to settle into new routines. Think about how your daughter typically deals with change. Be patient. Listen to her when she wants to talk, and give her advice when she asks for it. When she's in the mood to listen to you, suggest some ways she could meet new people—such as finding a regular volunteer job. If her sadness turns into depression, encourage her to seek professional help.
You've got the right idea here, you just need to remind yourself of its truth. As you said, your daughter is an adult now, and even though in your mind she'll always be your baby girl at least a little bit, she doesn't think that way. It's good that you want to help her, and even though she's an adult, she likely still needs and appreciates your help. In fact, part of her being (and acting like) an adult involves recognizing that fact. However, it's important that you offer to help her as an adult, and not as a child. Talk to her as an equal, rather than simply as her mother. You likely have a lot to offer her with your wisdom and experience, but you should impart that advice to her as advice or options, rather than directions and mandates. You can offer to visit her and meet for dinner or even a drink. Talk to her on the phone or online. But you don't need to press her into telling you what's wrong (or if anything's wrong at all), or into accepting your help. If she's just out of college, she's an adult, but just barely (as I've learned about myself in the last few years since graduating). It might take a little bit of time to view you as a valuable resource rather than as an overprotective mother, but if you give her space and allow her to come to you, while being there for her whenever she needs you (as a good mother always is!), then you might find that she wants, and is willing to accept, your help more than you think. Or better yet, you might even discover that she doesn't need your help because she's doing great, and is thrilled to share her happiness with you.
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— January 7, 2011 —
Do you have a number so I can have my son (17) talk to you because I have tried everything, and my son won't listen to me? — Lisa
While I can't talk with your son directly by phone, please have him submit a question to me through this site. That way, he can describe his perspective and explain how he's feeling. While I get many more questions than my co-advisers and I can respond to online, his question might be one that is chosen for one of our columns. And even if it isn't, writing about an issue might help him sort out what he's thinking and feeling about an issue. You might also find it helpful to describe in detail what's going on between you and your son and submit that as a questions. I find that the more information I get, the more concrete and helpful my response can be.
It's completely normal for your 17 year old son to not want to talk or listen to you. He's trying to establish his independence and probably doesn't want to admit it when he needs help. Try not to bother him too much, but make sure he knows that you're available if he wants to talk, even if he doesn't want advice. If he does open up to you, do your best not to be judgmental, and keep in mind that sometimes it's better for him to learn from his own mistakes. You could also encourage him to talk to someone else, maybe someone he can relate to because the person is close in age to him, but also responsible enough to provide good advice.
