Parents of Kids

Hi! I have two fantastic kids, ages 11 and 14. They both play tennis as their primary sport. My question is whether and how I should advocate for them when their inherent kindness and relatively calm natures are used against them in a very specific way in this sport.

I've seen this pattern play out in several settings and for a number of years. Despite my kids' win records and abilities, they are disproportionately paired with or against brand new players and/or those with "difficult" behaviors (whom others don't want to play with). I can only conclude this is because my kids are kind, flexible, and don't walk onto the court like they're about to win a grand slam. They are confident and self-assured, having played since they were quite young. But they are not arrogant.

I love that they are often playing in contexts with diverse ages, abilities, personalities, and neurodiversity. And if this were an occurrence shared proportionately with other players at their same levels, I wouldn't bat an eye. But I've even kept records in some contexts, and we're talking about 80 to 95% of the time, whom they get paired with or matched against is inconsistent with their win records in those same settings despite more equal competition existing.

Sports teach all kinds of lessons beyond athletic skills and strategies. But these are often the one chance in a week my kids have to improve their own games (and ultimately that is what I'm paying for and what can build a player's confidence—as they see their hard work paying off). It creates a doubling effect because meanwhile other players not in this situation are playing at continuously higher levels due to the consistent challenge they get.

I have had bad experiences trying as politely and calmly as I can to bring this up (for example in one setting where my son had beaten every player there, and was still playing "new" kids and winning 8-0, etc., week after week rather than at least playing a more equal opponent). No matter what, I'm still "that annoying parent sticking my nose in and whining" (even though I am also the one paying the bill). And more importantly, things might improve temporarily, but then return to prior status quo.

This has just started happening again in a completely new and separate context. My daughter beat three older girls consistently in practice, but first match of the season was paired with a 100% beginner (despite other more obvious options existing, and the fact that other pairings were made according to level parity versus trying to "even out" pairings).

I don't want to advise my kids to put on these more fierce/difficult and ultimately inauthentic attitudes to try to manipulate the situation in their favor. But I am not sure how best to advocate for them. They are patient with the situation overall, but they do see what's happening and get frustrated. I love that they are kind and patient with new (and difficult) players. But this kindness is being taken advantage of, and I don't want them to learn that's okay, either.

Thanks so much for any thoughts and advice!

When I was young, I was always shy, quiet, and reserved. I remember being perfectly happy and finding the love of my life at age 20. I never dated before that, as I was more comfortable enjoying my simple childhood pleasures. Now, my husband and I are married and have 2 children. My son is 8 and has a small group of friends at his school. However, his teachers say he isn't shy; he just prefers to keep close relationships. He tells me pretty much everything.

My daughter, however, is the opposite; she has so many friends in so many groups. Most of her friends are just like her: Loud, bubbly, happy, and the "party" type. I have no issues with that, but my main concern is her "boyfriends." She's 11, and she has had multiple relationships. They aren't major, but she and her "boyfriend" as she calls them, just hang out, hold hands, and go on "dates" that aren't really "formal." She dresses nicely when she is meeting them, but she doesn't overdo it. My real issue is that they break up so quickly! Not only is she too young, at least in my opinion, but even the best guys hardly last 2 months. While she hides this from her friends, who aren't really "close" to her, I feel like my son has witnessed her cry one time too many in the house. I am concerned about my daughter, and my son, who turns into a nervous wreck whenever she shows subtle signs of sadness. She is currently dating a nice guy, and she really feels like he is "The One." I like this guy, but I just want happiness in my house. My husband says to let things flow and my son wants to gently talk her out of the relationship. I don't know what to do, so hopefully you can help me.

I'm a single dad with a 12-year-old daughter and am a bit worried. My daughter has all these insecurities that I have no idea how to help with. Until this year she certainly had insecurities but she was also a fairly happy kid. But the insecurities have intensified recently, and since September have gotten worse and worse. She has needed glasses since she was a toddler. In August before school started, she said she didn't like the way she looked with them and wanted to try contacts. She tried them for a few days but it really didn't work out. The sensation of the contacts in her eyes was apparently awful for her even when she tried them out in the eye doctor's office. So now she's back to wearing glasses, and since September she's just been really down about her appearance. She keeps calling herself ugly and disgusting and using such language to describe parts of her body she doesn't like. She says she has a small chest and is short compared to her peers even after starting puberty, and sort of feels like a little kid surrounded by bigger kids. As far as I can tell she isn't being bullied in school, and she usually tells me everything going on in her life. But I could easily see that if she were being bullied she might not want to share it, even with me. I have no idea what to do—how much of this is normal, and how much of it is something to be concerned about? How much does telling her that her glasses make her pretty, or that beauty is completely in the eye of the beholder really help? She keeps saying that buying this particular dress, coat, pair of boots, or whatever, will help her feel pretty but then she doesn't end up wearing them after I buy them. I stopped buying that sort of thing for her, and she hasn't tried buying any with her pocket money either. Her friends look like normal middle schoolers but her closest friends are a mixture of boys and girls and none of them seem particularly concerned with their appearance or wearing cool clothes or anything like that, not according to my daughter at least.

She doesn't really have any close female adult figures in her life, and there are none that she or I can get help from—her mom isn't in contact, I don't have sisters, just a gay brother, and my mom isn't the sort of person who'd be comfortable talking about this sort of thing with my daughter. My daughter's close friends' moms are also not the right people for various reasons. The closest thing she has is my brother's stepdaughter, who's 20, very kind and gentle but also can't relate to my daughter's concerns very much. I'm looking into getting her a therapist, but from what I can tell it might be a while before she can be seen by anyone and even longer until we can find someone who's a good fit.

My daughter is 11 and has really low self-esteem. How much of this is normal for 6th grade girls? In particular, she keeps calling herself stupid and ugly. I've tried to tell her she isn't—but she just brushes me off. She's very smart and excels at the things she's good at and just gets frustrated at the things she's not so good at. I didn't realize until she was 8 or 9 how bad her eyesight was, and that seems to be a major reason she was struggling in school. Since getting glasses she's been doing well in school. But now she's sort of associated herself with being 'dumb' or 'stupid' and any time she faces a minor struggle she just sort of gives up. I try to remind her of all the things she does well at and all the times she's struggled and succeeded despite or because of her struggling, but it doesn't matter. It seems that anything involving reading or writing is automatically something she thinks she's bad at—unless she's interested in it—like anything related to science. Is this something in which I should attempt to intervene, and if so how?

I'm a single mother, and my husband passed away after my son's birth. I have triplet daughters age 12, and a son. My son has cystic fibrosis, multiple allergies, and severe depression, so I'm always helping him. I have to help him with his breathing tube and depression all the time, and it's getting to a point where I can't pay attention to my amazing daughters, who actually are really independent and caring! The thing is, there are multiple trips to the hospital for my son, and I'm scared. My daughters are starting to get cranky because I have a hard time telling them apart, and they hardly get any attention. I notice when they seem to be having a bad day, and I want to support them but my son seems to need help every 30 seconds. My son needs attention, but so do my daughters! Help!

My husband and I have two kids—a 6-year-old son and a 4-year-old daughter. Our son isn't usually an issue at bedtimes. One of us reads him a story, we turn off the lights, and he's usually out. Sometimes he comes downstairs after about 30 minutes and tells us he can't sleep, so we go upstairs and read another story and he falls asleep after that. Our daughter, on the other hand, is a lot. She's mostly stopped with tantrums now, but she continues to stall lights out at any opportunity (she does have a night light). She constantly asks for one more story, she wears high prescription eyeglasses and resists every attempt to get her to remove them before bedtime, and her favorite stuffed animal always needs some sort of attention... her friend at preschool broke her arm, so recently the unicorn broke her horn. Those are the main stalling tactics she uses, but there are others.

I've developed a strategy that works fairly well—we dim the lights and she gets in bed. I read from a book of kids stories without pictures, so I can insist that I won't read unless she takes off her glasses. By the time the story is over, she's more used to being in the dark and is willing to accept lights out with her night light. The only major remaining issue is her stalling with the stuffed animals. It has taken me a lot of work and struggling with her to get this far.

The issue is my husband. Because of my work, I'm not always able to put my daughter to bed. But whenever my husband does, he caves. He'll agree to her demands—one more story but with pictures this time, meaning she can put her glasses back on, or then her stuffed animal needs medical attention—and suddenly the bedtime routine is 45 minutes longer than it needs to be. He always apologizes, but every time he puts her to bed, the next night my job has become so much harder.

My 10-year-old daughter "Jane" is a really good girl, she gets all A's and seems really happy. She's a bit shy with good friends, and she loves art. The thing is, I think that kids should tell their parents everything so they don't make choices that impact people or themselves in harmful ways. Jane claims to tell me everything, but last year, she went through an "all-black" phase and when I asked about it, she just shrugged. I never learned about how she felt about her BFF moving, and it seems like her life is always "normal." If I ever ask about her feelings or life, she seems to just say it's all good and moves on. I really want her to confide in me and tell me about her life. Jane has a diary and I want to read it with her to be able to talk about her adventures, but she just keeps everything lighthearted. If I ever ask about reading her diary with her, she just says I know everything about her already. I make sure to ask if there is anything she doesn't tell me, and she says "nope." I'm seriously considering reading her diary, but I don't want to invade her privacy. What should I do?

I'm a single dad of an 8 year old girl. My daughter "Emma" is shy and reserved. She doesn't have a lot of friends and highly values the friendships she does have. At a summer camp a few weeks ago, she really hit it off with a little boy, "Emmett." They met because their real names are also very similar and the counselors kept getting confused about them. It doesn't help that Emmett just looks like the boy version of Emma. Both kids could also be found lagging behind the rest of the group, harassing a counselor with a constant stream of animal trivia. Eventually the counselor decided to save herself by getting the kids to spew facts at each other instead.

Emmett's family lives two streets down from us, but they're in a different school district. Both schools feed into the same middle school and high school, so Emma and Emmett will be in school together in three years, but for now they can only see each other when we organize playdates. Emma is constantly begging for me to set up a playdate with Emmett's family. Emmett's parents are much busier than I am—they both work very demanding jobs, and one of Emmett's siblings has a significant disability and so she requires a lot of help and attention. Emmett's parents are stoked that he has a friend, since he also tends to be a bit shy. However, they asked that most playdates take place at our house.

The issue is that Emmett is absolutely terrified of me, even after the two playdates the kids had at my house. I've never scared one of my daughter's friends before. The only clue I've gotten is that it isn't my mustache that's scaring him. Emmett told Emma that he was scared of me, and he told his parents that he'd rather not come back to my house to do a playdate. My usually docile daughter was crying and screaming at me because it was my fault that Emmett wouldn't come over. Emma and Emmett are both very quiet kids who didn't need a ton of supervision when they were playing together at my house. Whenever I checked on them, they were playing with action figures or playing a game together or sitting and chatting while watching a dinosaur documentary together. However, when I brought this up to Emmett's family, they still said that it would be much easier if we could do playdates at our house.

I have no idea what's scaring Emmett so much. Maybe it's related to something from his past, or maybe he just doesn't like my face. Emmett's parents have no idea either. My daughter is distraught that her new best friend can't play with her right now. How can I help this friendship blossom?

I'm struggling to figure out managing a significant issue without overstepping my boundaries. My 12-year-old daughter "Clara" has a best friend "Paige," who is very often at our house. They have a small group of friends, but of those friends, Clara is closest to Paige. Clara recently told me she was worried about Paige, who keeps calling herself ugly and is generally self-deprecating about her appearance. Clara said this happened first after my older daughter allowed Clara and Paige to try out her make-up. It turns out, Paige's mom has been wringing her hands waiting for Paige to "become pretty," saying "I wish you were slim and pretty like your friend Clara." Keep in mind that I heard this from Clara, who heard this from Paige—so the exact wording may have changed over the course of two preteens talking to each other. Paige is a bit pudgy, but otherwise looks like a normal 12-year-old girl. Paige's mom has cited other traits as evidence of her ugliness, such as Paige's glasses and freckles. Clara was quite offended to hear this—as she also has freckles and glasses.

I know that many 12-year-olds exaggerate, and think their parents are overly harsh. Clara and Paige are already talking about boys at school, and that may be where their general fears are coming from. At the same time, if what Clara is telling me is true, I fear for Paige's emotional safety—12-year-olds struggle with their body image enough without pressure from their parents on top of that. If I hear Paige making self-deprecating comments at home, I don't have any qualms about intervening. However, I'm not sure if there's really anything else I can do. I don't know if what Clara reports is accurate about what's actually going on at Paige's home. I want Paige to be safe, but I also know that her mom can be very difficult at times (setting up the girls' first sleepover was tiring) and I don't want to jeopardize Paige and Clara's friendship if it does turn out to be nothing.

I'm a single mother and I need advice for dealing with my kids. I have twins, a son and a daughter, who just turned 12. They're in 6th grade. We moved before school started. Our new town has middle school starting in 6th grade so I thought it would be the perfect time to move. We moved for several reasons, including that my dad had recently passed away and our state was starting to do weird things with education and there was nothing really to keep us there anymore.

My kids just bicker with each other all the time. It's really annoying. When it gets really bad they turn every single thing into a fight. Yesterday at dinner, it was an all-out war about who first stepped in our new house when we moved. Other fun ones include who's taller (my son is 2 to 3 inches taller but that didn't stop the argument), and who got glasses first (they both got them at the same eye doctor's appointment). In general our house is filled with lots of tears (on my daughter's part) and yelling/slamming doors (on my son's part).

But the weird part is that they don't act this way at school. This middle school has clusters, so each kid in the cluster has the same set of 4 core teachers, and my kids are in different teachers' classes. And yet at parent-teacher conferences for both kids I heard the same thing—that they're very shy kids who barely talk to anyone. They eat lunch together every day. Neither of them have had much luck in making friends this year. My coworker's daughter is in most of my son's classes and she didn't even know he existed. They have 2 mutual friends from their taekwondo class who sometimes come over and sometimes they go to their house. At home they can be found playing video games together sometimes but they're just as likely to be fighting with each other. They have such different interests at home that I don't even understand what they can talk about at school, and why they can't be that civil to each other at home.

It's clear that they trust and love each other very much. I know bickering among siblings is common at this age. I remember fighting with my younger brother when I was that age but never to this extent. I guess part of it might be that they see so much of each other—they're in different classes at school but they always sit together at lunch, and they decided they wanted to be signed up for the same taekwondo classes. They decide on the few occasions when they do hang out with their taekwondo friends to go as a group. I also wonder if part of the constant fighting between the twins has to do with my dad's death. He died last April and this started really becoming an issue more recently. I just want to have some control back and be able to talk in my own house without fearing that I'm going to set off yet another long argument that'll lead to at least one of my kids storming upstairs in a huff.

My ex-wife and I divorced nine years ago. At the time, she requested—and we agreed, that she and our two young children would leave California, where both our son and daughter were born, and move back to the Midwest to be closer to family. I make a living as a camera operator in the entertainment industry and needed to remain in California in order to afford child support and keep up my livelihood. After much legal wrangling, we settled on a visitation agreement that allows me to have the kids during some holiday breaks when I return to the Midwest, and to bring them out to California for five weeks during the summers.

A few years after that agreement was established, my ex moved the kids to a new school district with a year-round schedule, forcing me to cut my summer visitation down to four weeks. This year, she signed-up our 11-year-old daughter for softball, and is now telling me that I must reduce my summer visits to two weeks "to accommodate for the kids' activities and events." It is important to note that the only activity or event she is referring to is a summer softball league in which our daughter would like to participate —at her mom's urging. As far as I know, my ex has not organized anything for our 15-year-old son.

The summer visits are the only times I get to see my children on my home turf. They now have a little brother, who is 4 years old, and when the children come to California, my new wife and I take all three of them camping, to the beach, and on excursions to nearby cities. We even took my ex to court to get them passports (my ex refused to do it), so we could enrich them with experiences they are not able to get when in their mother's care.

Do I have to give up time with my daughter during the summers to allow her to play in a softball league? How can I speak to my daughter about this, and help her understand that her happiness and wellbeing are my top priority—even if that means denying her the right to play in a summer league?

My son thinks he's another parent to his younger sister, and an anxious one at that! He's 7, his sister's 3. She's speaking in simple sentences, yes, but complete ones. My son is worried that she's not speaking "normally" yet. She doesn't know her colors fully and gets a few confused at times. My son insists that she's colorblind, though genetically I don't think that works out since no one in either my husbands or my extended family are. When my daughter has sniffles or a cold, he's worried she's going to need to go to the hospital. She has glasses, very powerful ones at that, and she sometimes declares she wants to take a break. As a glasses-wearer myself, this is something I understand. My son will try to get her to wear them (not forcefully). For a long time there was a book which we had to read my daughter to go to sleep almost every single night. We sometimes had her brother read them too as a way of him practicing reading and he wanted to help. She's now asking for more variety of books before bedtime (thank goodness!). Her brother is concerned that this means she's getting sick or something (I don't fully understand his worries here).

On some level he's comparing his sister to my husband's nephew, who's a year older than her. Both kids were within the range of normal and my newly 7-year-old doesn't have the best memory of what his cousin was like a year ago. Nothing about our daughter's development has ever suggested to anyone that she's abnormal. Another part of it might be that he is sometimes uncomfortable with change (he got used to the new car and dog almost instantly, but it took a while to adjust to the new couch cushions). We try to explain that everyone grows at different rates and there's nothing wrong with that, and also that this isn't stuff that he needs to be concerned with and that we're her parents and this is our job, but none of that really seems to stick. He's an attentive and kind big brother and he's very close to his sister, which are all great things. How do we stop him from being so concerned about everything, especially given nothing is actually wrong?

I have 2 daughters from my first marriage, ages 11 and 10. Their biological dad hasn't been in the picture for a long time but my current husband has been involved since 2018. They love him very much and call him dad. I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd daughter. I'm due in late August. The older kids are very excited about becoming big sisters. I'm sure part of that excitement will dissipate when my oldest starts middle school with a baby in the house. They don't really seem to grasp how much their lives will change having an infant around. While I'll never force them to babysit without paying them, I'm still excited about how excited my kids are for being big sisters. The oldest has expressed an interest in babysitting (she wants money) which I may take her up on when she's a bit older.

My issue is that both girls, especially the younger one, are clumsy and irresponsible. I'm not sure how much of it is more than the normal level for their age, but they are always losing things or getting hurt in some way. My youngest has broken her same leg twice doing the exact same stupid thing about a year apart. She often ends up poking herself in the eye trying to put on her glasses. Her glasses are usually taped together because she breaks them with such frequency. My husband got her a new tablet for her 9th birthday more than a year ago and it was cracked within 24 hours. The older one is also clumsy, though not anywhere near the same extent. She somehow came home from her summer camp yesterday with one shoe.

Maybe I'm exaggerating things in my mind. Maybe as soon as the baby comes they'll magically become more responsible around their sister. That's what my husband seems to believe. I don't need to give them responsibilities with their sister, but they want them—and they need to learn how to exist safely around her. How can I prepare my daughters, especially my youngest, for their baby sister?

My husband and I watch in awe as our 2½-year-old toddler is coming into her own. Having started potty training beginning at 19 months, she has recently reached the point where she can tell us she needs to use the potty—or on the rare occasion if she is distracted by play—that she needs her diaper or training pants changed. She manages to get along well with other children of family members or friends, and continues to thrive in her daycare environment. Within the last month, we have welcomed our adult niece and her one-year-old and three-year-old daughters to live with us indefinitely while her husband is deployed in the armed services overseas. Going into the new living arrangement, we knew there would be some difficulty in how all of us would adapt to the changes. Particularly because the three-year-old seems to her mother to be developmentally delayed, although she has not been diagnosed as of yet. Most notably, she is not potty-trained and communicates verbally only in one or two word phrases. When frustrated, she bites or throws things. Since the start of the new living arrangement, our daughter has appeared to regress in her potty training and how she treats other children. Most recently, we have to ask her if she needs to use the toilet, or she gets there too late and then needs her training pants changed. When in the same room with the two other children, she will grab her toys from their hands, and hit or shove them while refusing to share. All three adults try to enforce sharing with mixed results. To all of us, it seems that our daughter is mirroring the behavior of the three-year-old. Our fear is that her current behaviors will affect her further development. Should we expect that this will improve if we are more attentive to her potty training and how she behaves around other children? Is it acceptable to try to encourage our niece to begin potty training and confer with a pediatrician about her daughter's apparent delays?