Parents of Kids
— February 2, 2012 —
When my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at 3 years old, we lived in Germany. She was also dealing with the introduction of a new sibling that year, and she had some additional illnesses earlier in the year. During the tough transition, we had purchased for her a stuffed St. Bernard that she formed a very close bond with. It went with her everywhere. It was essentially her security blanket. When we returned back to the States this past year, another patient in the doctor’s office "took" it home when she wasn’t watching it. It was never returned. She is completely devastated. This happened 6 months ago. She is now 5 years old. There were periods of time when we thought she had forgotten about it, but then she would get very emotional about its loss. She prays for its return. We have tried to tell her that it is gone, but she holds on to the hope that it’ll come home to her one day. I have tried to find another one, to no avail. We bought her another stuffed dog shortly after the first one was taken with the thought that it would help her deal with the loss, but it doesn’t seem to be taking away the sting of what happened to her. What do we do to help her get through this grieving process? — Mom A
Your daughter has gone through many stressful events in her life, so it is not surprising that the loss of her stuffed dog has been so hard on her. Also, you mentioned that it was taken “when she wasn’t watching it.” Your daughter might feel that she was responsible for the loss, causing her to feel guilty as well as sad. Although you tried to substitute her beloved St. Bernard with a similar one, it was not the one that had taken her through many difficult moments. I would suggest that you do two things to help her. First, let her know that you understand how tough it is to lose something that she has grown attached to. Acknowledging her sadness is a first step in dealing with loss. Continue to gently remind her that since the dog has not yet been returned, it is not likely to be brought back. Second, ask her if she would like to pick out another stuffed animal. Tell her you know it will not replace her St. Bernard, but she might enjoy having it anyway. If she agrees, take her to a toy store, and allow her to pick out something. Suggest that she give it a name, something different from the first stuffed animal. The second one may or may not become a source of comfort for her, but your love and support will always be what is most important in helping her deal with stress.
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— January 5, 2012 —
How do you handle a 12 year old daughter who lies?? — Molly
First, make sure your perception that your daughter is lying is correct. Second, see if you can figure out why your 12-year-old is lying. What are the circumstances? Is she afraid that telling the truth will lead to punishment? Is her insecurity resulting in making up a story that puts her in a better light? Third, try to deal with the underlying issues. Telling her that you understand why she is lying does not mean that it’s okay for her to continue to lie. You need to decide what the consequences of lying should be for her. Finally, remind her of the importance of trust. If she continues to lie, you will have trouble trusting her, which will hurt your relationship.
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— December 10, 2011 —
My 11 year old daughter Lisa’s best friend has become distant. Lisa tells me that this friend no longer stands up for her when other kids call her names. This friend also talks a lot about all her new friends. I hate to see Lisa getting hurt, but she’s such a loyal friend that she’ll just hang on. — Andrea
As a parent, it’s always tough to watch our children learn tough life lessons. Lisa will need to learn how much she’s willing to do to save a friendship and when giving up a friendship is the right thing to do. Your most important role may be as a listener. But if Lisa wants advice, you could suggest that she have a conversation with her friend about what it feels like when she’s not supported or when she talks so much about her new friends. You might also want to remind Lisa that some friendships last a long time, while others do not. You can’t take away Lisa’s hurt when she’s rejected, particularly by someone who has been a friend for a long time. But you can listen and acknowledge how difficult things are right now for her.
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— November 10, 2011 —
To start out, I am a divorced mother with two boys. They go to their dads every other weekend since it is court ordered. Within the last 2 months, my oldest who is 3 years old comes back with diarrhea. After I have him back for one day it clears up. So I was thinking that my ex and his girlfriend were feeding him something to cause this, but after talking to them about it, I found out they aren't feeding him anything different than what I give him. I'm wondering if it's nerves that could be causing this issue and if so, how would one go about proving that? Any thoughts? Thanks. — Divorced Mom
Talk to your child’s pediatrician about what’s been going on. It is possible that your three-year-old’s diarrhea is a result of the amount or brand of food he is eating at his father’s place. But, as you suggested, it could be related to stress. After checking out and eliminating any physical cause for this repeated pattern, consider what could be causing your son’s emotional distress. Might he be feeling disloyal to you when he is having fun with his dad? Is he the kind of child who has trouble transitioning from one activity or place to another? Since this pattern of diarrhea began, has anything changed at his dad’s home? Since you were able to talk to your ex-husband and his girlfriend about what your son is eating, it’s now time to have a more difficult conversation about what kinds of emotional issues might be causing your son’s problem. Your ex-husband obviously cares about his children, so start your conversation expressing that understanding. Then the two of you can jointly come up with possible solutions without defensiveness or assigning blame. Your children will benefit from that kind of problem-solving.
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— October 15, 2011 —
My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately about money. I work at a job I don’t really like, and he just lost his job. I think he should do more than he’s doing to get another job. But he seems to like just staying home and watching TV. I know we shouldn’t be fighting in front of our two young children (8 and 10), but it’s hard not to when I feel so angry. I need advice for our family. — Samantha
Unfortunately, your family is facing a situation that has become increasingly common. I understand your frustration, particularly since you are doing work that you don’t enjoy. If you can think of job hunting strategies that your husband has not been pursuing, you might suggest them to him, but try to do it in a supportive rather than angry way. Your husband might be watching television because it’s an escape from the reality of his life. Don’t hide the basic facts from your kids, but don’t overwhelm them. They might be concerned that their dad’s job loss might mean your family won’t have a place to live and that your fighting will lead to a divorce. Reassure them that you and your husband love each other but that you’re going through a difficult time right now. Help them understand that with only one of you working, some changes in the way you live might be necessary, but that you’ll all face this challenge together.
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— September 10, 2011 —
I am 39 years old. I have 3 kids. My 14 year old daughter thinks that she runs the house. No matter how I punish her or what I do she continues to think she should be able to do whatever she wants. — Chal
Your daughter is 14 and is acting her age. It’s natural for teens to think they shouldn’t have to follow any rules and to test the limits with their parents. Your job is to set the limits and follow through with reasonable consequences. At a time when the two of you are not fighting, sit down together and calmly explore rules. You have the ultimate say, but instead of focusing on that perspective, encourage your daughter to tell you what she thinks. Be prepared to make a few compromises—but not on anything that violates your basic principles. Let your daughter know what the consequences will be when those rules are not followed. Be sure to enforce those consequences, making sure they fit the “crime.” An empty threat is meaningless and encourages teens to believe they can get away with anything. With three children, it’s probably tough for you to find time to give each one individual attention, but providing a little positive attention when your daughter does something thoughtful or kind will help her see that she doesn’t have to act out to get attention.
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— July 27, 2011 —
I was driving car pool last week with my 10 year old son and two of his friends. One of the friends said that when his parents weren’t around, he watched a television show they had told him was not for kids. Apparently, he had forgotten he was talking loud enough for me to hear. I am not really friends with this boy’s parents, but I feel that I should tell them what I heard. What do you think? — Concerned Mom
You would probably want to know if your son were sneaking a peak at a show that was not appropriate for his age level. So go ahead and tell the boy’s parents, but don’t act like it’s a big deal. Just say that when you were driving car pool, their son mentioned to his friends that he had watched a television program that he knew he wasn’t supposed to see. Indicate that you would want to know if your son said something like that. And then drop it. Don’t check back to see what the consequences were for the boy. However, let your son know that you told his friend’s parents what you heard so that his family could talk about and deal with the situation. Encourage your son to voice his opinion about rules in your family.
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— July 1, 2011 —
Hi, I have an 11 year old daughter who says she looooves music. I pay for piano lessons, but I find myself "nagging" at her to practice. I don't like the nagging and what it creates between us. We've talked about following through on commitments and other ideas, but they don't seem to be working. Any ideas? — Pacikika
Be honest with your daughter—let her know that you don’t want to continue to pay for her piano lessons unless she practices without being reminded. Ask her to work with you to come up with a schedule for practicing. Perhaps she can put the schedule in a notebook in which she checks off her practice time. Instead of focusing on the negative, make sure you let her know that you’ve noticed when she does go over to the piano to play. Also, ask her piano teacher for some tips and maybe for some pieces that your daughter really loves. She’ll be more inclined to practice if she likes what she hears.
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— June 3, 2011 —
Last year my daughter, 16, fell in love for the first time. After dating this boy for several months he broke up with her. She continues to obsess over him. He dated someone else for awhile and is now single again and she hopes they will get back together. She is totally obsessed with this boy. She constantly asks her friends to talk to him for her and asks them to try and get him to go back out with her. She has become friends with all of his friends and tries to get them to talk to him for her. She is popular and has a lot of friends and even has lots of boys interested in her but she only cares for this boy. The boy has made it clear he is not interested in her but she still is hoping he will change. I know this is not healthy but every time I try to talk to her about it she gets mad and it turns into a huge fight. I don’t know how to handle this. — Concerned Mom
As a mom myself, I know how tough it is to stand by and watch a daughter in emotional pain. She probably doesn’t want to hear your advice since she is still hoping that this boy will get back together with her and the truth is too tough for her to deal with right now. My suggestion is to tell her what you’ve noticed and what you think, but avoid getting into a fight with her about it. Let your daughter know that you’ve giving her advice because you hate to see her get hurt, but then you have to step away. When she realizes that this guy is not coming back, which will probably happen when he starts a relationship with someone else, be supportive and definitely don’t say, “I told you so.”
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— May 6, 2011 —
My daughter Maddy is only 12 years old, but she already wants to start dating. My husband and I feel she is much too young for that. We would love your opinion. — Alison
Find out what Maddy means by dating. When my son started middle school, he told me that he wanted to ask a girl out, and I, too, thought he was too young. But then I learned that to my son and this girl, dating just meant that you can tell your friends that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. He didn’t have a real girlfriend until he was in high school when he was ready to deal with a real relationship and the heartache that often accompanies it. As parents, you can guide Maddy and judge her maturity, and together with her you can determine when she can start dating.
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— April 1, 2011 —
My 10 year old daughter is very confident, attracts friends easily, and makes good grades. One friend, in particular, she has known since preschool. The other day, this friend asked my daughter to play, and my daughter told me she didn't want to go. She confided in me that she "doesn't really like" this girl anymore, saying that she is now kind of weird. I fear that one of my daughter's other friends is influencing who she should/shouldn't be friends with. She denied this. I realize friendships may come and go during the tween/teen years, but what can I say/do to make sure my daughter doesn't become one of those "mean girls!" I love this little girl and don't want my daughter to hurt her feelings! — Erika
You sound like a very caring person, concerned not just about your daughter but about her friends, too. That makes you a great role model for your daughter. It is certainly possible that your daughter is being influenced by others, but that's part of being a tween. What you can do is help your daughter be more empathic by asking questions such as: “How would you feel if one of your friends stopped wanting to play with you?” or “How can you turn down an invitation from someone without making her feel bad?” Also, ask what this friend does or says that makes her “kind of weird”? You might also have a frank discussion with your daughter about what you've heard or read about “mean girls” and how important it is to be compassionate in dealing with others.
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— March 1, 2011 —
I just found out that our family will need to move due to my job being relocated in about 6 months. My husband is excited about the move since we’re going to a warmer part of the country and he doesn’t expect to have trouble finding a job. I only hope that will be true. But we’re both concerned about our daughter who’s 10 and who has a hard time making friends and dealing with change. I welcome your advice for helping her with this move. — Karen
Your daughter will probably not be as excited as your husband about this move. She will have to leave friends and a familiar school behind. She will need to get used to a new neighborhood and meet new people, which you already know will not be easy for her. You and your husband should talk to your daughter together about the move. Since the decision has already been made—that your family will be moving—make sure she understands that. If that’s not clear, she might try to persuade you not to move. Tell her that you will make sure she has an opportunity to visit her new school and meet her teacher ahead of time. Let her know that her old friends can also visit and she can keep in touch with them by email and Skype. Make sure you give her ample opportunity to ask questions and express her concerns. As the move gets closer, let her know she can play a role in decorating (perhaps picking out a paint color or deciding where the furniture goes in a particular room). Once you move, give her time to get adjusted to her new surroundings, and encourage her to join clubs and after-school programs to help her make friends.
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— February 4, 2011 —
Hello. I have 2 boys, a 6 year old and a 2 month old. I'm proud to say that my 6 year old is a very clever and easygoing kid. I can leave him playing in the TV room while I'm doing the house cleaning without any disturbance from him. He is an obedient kid. I was told by many that he is mature for his age, and his teachers tell me that he is a very clever boy. He really knows stuff a 10 year old doesn't, and that's because he likes books, watching documentaries etc. I have a couple of so called 'problems' with him and I don't know how to handle them. Firstly, he doesn't like to lose. Whatever game we are playing together or with his father and he loses, then he gets that sad face and starts crying (sometimes he even tries not to show that he wants to cry—I can see that and it breaks my heart). If we play question games and he happens to give a wrong answer then we get the same reaction. I have many times sat with him and talked to him in a very polite manner that everyone loses sometimes. I am telling him that this happens to me several times. When you lose you should not be sad but you should try harder the next time to win. And if you lose again, it is just a game. That is part of life. He seems to understand but still I get the same reaction. Sometimes, myself and his father cannot play with him because we know how this will end up or when we do play we are faking that we lose and he wins. That's not right. I told my son that next year when he will go to school, there would be kids that might be cleverer than him. He will have to accept that. If he continues like that then his friends won't like playing with him since everyone would like to win or to be right. Sometimes I get angry at him and tell him that I will not play with him again but really I feel sorry for talking to him like that since he is a good kid compared to all others I know. How should I make him understand? The second problem is that when he plays with friends and there is a kid that makes a fool of him or says something that he doesn't like he gets angry (and in extreme cases loses control). He cries out of anger and wants to get back at them in whatever way he can think of at that time. His cousin for instance, is constantly telling him things on purpose to make him mad and he starts crying. I know this is how kids are at this age but sometimes I want to get in the middle since I feel sorry for my son. The other day, there was a kid next door, much older than him and they were playing outside. I saw that kid taking something that belonged to my son. He was holding it and showing off. My son got angry and started crying. I saw him grabbing a piece of wood, I guess to hit him with it. I don't know. First time I saw him doing something like that. And that it was then I got in the middle. How do I handle this? Thank you. — Helen
Instead of telling your son how to feel ("you should not feel sad"), let him know that you understand why he is sad or angry when he loses at a game or when things don't go the way he wants. Help him express his feelings in ways that do not hurt others. Encourage him to talk to you or his dad when he's upset instead of becoming aggressive. Help him find the appropriate words to say rather than resort to threats and violence when a friend makes him angry. You're not helping your son if you pretend to lose at games to prevent a melt-down that your son experiences. Instead, keep reminding him that everyone loses at games sometimes, and also find some games in which there is no winner or loser. Keep in mind that some of your son's more recent acting-out behavior might be related to the birth of his baby brother. Give your six-year-old a bit more attention now to reduce his feelings of jealousy.
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— January 7, 2011 —
Please help! My son is 8 years old and in the 3rd grade. In 2nd grade, he met a friend I'll call "Lee." They became best friends instantly. But shortly after the friendship began, my son would come home very upset. Lee has constantly been manipulating and controlling my son. For instance, he constantly threatens my son if he doesn't play the way Lee wants to play at recess. He constantly says, "I won't be your friend anymore." This is very upsetting to my son. But it would usually blow over the next day, so I would listen to my son's concerns and things would be fine. We talked about things that real friends do and don't do and we even role played situations in which I encouraged my son to be more assertive. But I've become increasingly concerned because my son's toys and books are missing. Apparently, Lee has told my son that he will tell the teacher my son doodled in his writing journal if he doesn't give Lee a toy or pencil to keep. My son has been doing this without my knowledge for over a year now! Lee has also threatened my son in the worst way. He began to tell my son that he would have a bigger boy beat him up if he didn't play with him or play his way. This is working and he has complete control over my son because of the fear he instilled in him. I am distraught! I contacted Lee's mother, who agreed to sit down and talk with Lee, but she states that she "really can't make any sense of what's going on." In the meantime, I've been encouraging my son to seek out different friends to play with. What can I do? The boys are "book buddies" and sit next each other in class. I do not want my son to be subjected to Lee's threats any longer. Is it fair to tell my son he "can't be friends" with Lee? — Concerned Single Mom
Since the situation between your son and Lee has gone on for over a year, you need to take further action immediately. As a mom, you're done a great job—talking about how a real friend acts, helping your son become more assertive, and even role-playing with him. Lee is clearly a bully, and a persistent one at that, and he needs to be stopped. But an 8-year-old—your son—can't be expected to do this by himself. By this time, your son is so intimidated that he needs help building his self-confidence back up. But before that can happen, you need to talk to your son's teacher and, if necessary, the school's principal. School administrators are taking bullying much more seriously these days than they used to. And in your son's case, they need to since much of this is happening at school. They can start by finding new book buddies for your son and Lee. Many schools have introduced anti-bullying programs with a focus on the role that witnesses to bullying can play and also strategies to build empathy. Make sure that conflict resolution is not used by the school to deal with this issue. That strategy implies that both parties are at fault, which is not the case when one person is behaving like a bully.