Young Adults
— February 2, 2012 —
There’s a guy I’ve been talking to for about 5 months. We met over Facebook and about a month ago we finally met in person. It was a bit awkward but we started to talk even more and hanging out more and lately he’s just acting weird. Out of nowhere he asked what school I went to and if I talk to a lot of people. Then he says I know people you know and he wouldn’t tell me and now he barely even talks to me and he says he cares but it doesn’t look like it. Should I still try? Or what should I do?
— No Love Found, 18Most relationships, regardless of how they start out, do not become serious. The guy you met on Facebook seems to be sending you mixed messages—telling you he cares about you and then ignoring you, saying that he knows someone you know but then refusing to tell you who it is. Tell him what you’ve observed, and if the situation doesn’t change, it’s time for you to end this relationship.
Having done my fair share of internet dating, I’ve certainly experienced what you’re going through right now. Online dating has been great for people in some ways—allowing people to come in contact with fantastic people they might never otherwise have met, giving shy individuals a medium in which approaching someone is much less intimidating—but it’s also got its pitfalls. One of those is that with such a large pool of available people, it makes it much easier for people to flake and just drop budding relationships with no explanation or even notice. Luckily, the good and the bad tend to balance each other out. My experience has been that chasing after someone who seems to have lost interest in you is often a losing battle and a waste of time. It’s much easier to simply go back to the dating pool yourself and try to find someone who appreciates you enough not to just leave you hanging. That said, I’ve also been told that I give up too easily from time to time, so if you really care about this guy, perhaps it’s worth making a little extra effort. But if it doesn’t work out, you’ve got plenty of other great options.
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— January 5, 2012 —
I was recently with my siblings due to the unexpected early passing of a family member. Although we are older, with our own separate lives, when we are ALL together, it feels like we’re kids with rampant sibling rivalry. There’s always conflict where 2 people aren’t speaking and it affects everyone in a negative way. Due to this reality, I don’t travel home often and when I do, I stay 3 days max. I try to avoid family drama, yet it seems my family serves up a healthy heaping often and regularly. When I’m with them, I regress and I’m not happy. I have “distance,” as I’m 3,000 miles away. Yet I don’t feel close to them, as I sometimes wish I did. Is there a middle road? Our parents are both deceased, which may exacerbate the situation.
— Louisa, 25It’s hard not to resort to old, familiar (and sometimes childish) ways of interacting with siblings, even when you’re an adult. You recognize the difficulty of spending time with your siblings so you’re prepared for the conflicts that will inevitably arise. The fact that two siblings aren’t communicating just increases the tension. You can’t do much about their relationship (If you’re brave, you could try to mediate). What you do have the power to carry out is keeping your own relationships on a positive track. Years ago, I did research on adult sibling relationships, and one of the most important findings was that even if you don’t like your siblings, they are likely to come through for you when you really need them. So, continue to speak, visit, email periodically, and remember that along with the conflict is a healthy amount of love that may mean a lot to you and them at you all get older.
There’s always a middle road—well, not always, but often—and the situation with your family doesn’t seem so irreparable that you can’t find it. There are two things to keep in mind. First, just because someone is family doesn’t mean that they don’t still have to show the respect, care, and concern that you would expect from anyone else with whom you have a personal relationship. A blood relationship or other family bond doesn’t automatically mean unconditional love—a presumption perhaps, but it certainly doesn’t give any of your siblings (or you for that matter) the right to treat each other poorly and expect things to be okay. On the flip side however, the other thing to keep in mind is that even if love for your siblings isn’t unconditional, family is special, and it’s usually worthwhile to forgive your relatives for things that you might not let pass if the person was only an acquaintance or not very close friend. With respect to your particular situation, since you’re 3,000 miles away, it might be easy enough for you to rekindle a relationship with your siblings without having to deal with much of the drama simply by calling or emailing them once in a while to catch up, see how things are, etc. This might help you develop a better relationship with them and also make it easier when you are actually in the same place since you’ll have a stronger base from which to talk with them and deal with issues, rather than resorting right away to fighting and drama. As far as the relationships among your siblings go, you can’t force any of them to speak to each other, but perhaps by setting a positive example yourself, you can encourage them to act more kindly towards each other as well
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— December 10, 2011 —
I recently met a bunch of guys that live on a floor of a neighboring building (in college) and they are all really nice and cool. They don't party but know how to have fun, and there are two guys that specifically I find myself attracted to and like. One of them (let's call him M) got my number the second night of knowing me by stealing my phone, basically standard flirting. He texted me that night and then did not talk to me for a week until the next weekend on Friday. He told me to hang out with all the guys like normal and this time we watched a movie. During the movie he leaned against me and would like playfully touch me if I talked too much or moved and just flirting stuff. Well the next night he invited this other girl up too and suddenly she was the one he was flirting with even though two seconds before she got there he was flirting with me a lot. During the movie I just felt hurt so I left the room and went to a different floor of the same dorm where I have other friends. I got a text about 20 minutes after I left telling me to come back upstairs from M. So I eventually went back up and they were flirting less at first and then it just went back to as it was so I just sucked it up and watched the rest of the movie. After the movie was over, we were standing in the hall and I said I was leaving and he basically made me let him walk me back to my own dorm (it was about 4 in the morning). I was joking around with him that it wasn't necessary and of course he was like “Well I do this for all my girl friends so it's not that big of a deal.” At that point I was just upset because I got my hopes up. Anyway, yesterday morning, after not talking for over a week, he randomly texts me in the morning and he is one of those people that has one worded texts so we end up not texting after 30 minutes. Later that night he texted me to see if I was going to movie night and I agreed. He called me twice because I was being slow at going up to their floor. So when I finally got there he was sitting on his bed and I was told by another friend to give my number to at least two other guys in the room because M sucks at texting and getting me to hang out with them. So immediately the other guy that I am interested in took out his phone and was super excited about getting my number. We will call him C. M looked mad when I was giving my number to everyone else and even tried giving them a fake number. So when the movie was about to start both M and C wanted me to sit with them and I thought it would be bad to sit with M so I went to sit with C on the bed he was on. During the movie M was extremely quiet and C was really nice and would accidentally bump into me a lot and would stay really close and such. After the movie M gave me this strange smile and was trying to help me down from the lofted bed. So this morning C texted me just to make sure I had his number. And about four hours ago he texted me again and never responded after I sent a response. I have absolutely no idea what is going on and my friends are all also extremely confused and have no idea what is wrong with these guys. I still want to stay friends with them though, but I'm not sure how right now.
— K, 19College is not only about learning facts and theories. It’s also the time for testing out ways of relating to others. You may be confused about what’s going on, but M and C are probably feeling the same way. Everyone is afraid to get hurt, so they act in tentative or even contradictory ways. Since you want to stay friends with both of these guys, do just that. And if either you or one of them wants the friendship to go in a more romantic direction, be open to that possibility.
I think this might be my favorite question ever. It's one I've often asked myself from the other side when I think girls I'm interested in are acting weird, and one I've answered for girl friends of mine who don't understand why guys can't just be normal and straightforward. Both girls and guys can be complex and confusing, and all unfortunately play unnecessary games. The best advice I can give you is to not worry about it and try not to play games. There are a million different reasons why each of the guys might be doing the things they're doing, and you could spend all day (or longer) analyzing each little action (or lack of action) trying to figure out the reason behind it. In the end, the best thing to do is to go with your gut and just do what feels right. Don't worry about why one guy or the other isn't responding to your texts or is flirting with other girls. And don't get involved in playing your own games of trying to be available, but not too available, but unavailable enough to make them jealous, but not so jealous that they think you're not available at all. If you want to hang out with one or the other or both, go for it. If you want to sit on the bed with one or the other during the movie, then do it. And if you get tired of waiting for one of them to make the first move, then you can go ahead and do that, too, if that's what you'd like to do. In the meantime, you can stay friends with both of them, and let them show you that they're interested through their actions and attempt to take things to the next level. There's no way to know for sure what's going on, so just go with what feels right to you, and hope for the best. And keep hoping in the future, even if it doesn't work out this time.
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— November 10, 2011 —
I grew up in a pretty crazy family life. I came to America due to a war. I am too young to remember, but I realize it changed my entire life. I was taught to always look perfect in public or to be embarrassed if others saw me any other way. I was physically and emotionally abused by my family and I never really dated through high school because I was put down so much. I had no confidence. However when I realized I wanted to “find myself” and leave my family to start my own life, I then began to realize how much my childhood has affected me. I am so naive and I crave attention so much. I fall for anything that gives me attention. I have yet to have a boyfriend and I only have little flings with guys and it dies quickly. I used to be so active and social but it’s like everything changed. I lost my car and I live with my best friend and her parents just working as an assistant manager at this kid’s place and saving up, until I figure out what I wanna do. After high school, I became EVERYTHING I NEVER wanted to be. I understand everything happens for a reason but I feel like a complete failure that has nothing. I’ve resorted to talking to guys online and leading them on to the fullest making them believe they will meet me and I make them totally fall for me, and then I just stop talking to them one day. I honestly want to meet these guys but with how I feel with myself now I just don’t see a point because they will realize I’m just a big joke in the end. I’m just lonely. My best friend has her boyfriend here almost every night and all my other friends are dating and I know we each have our own path but I keep going in circles in my path and I dunno how to get out of it. But the biggest dilemma I have is recently my parents offered to pay for my school and get me a studio apartment to basically start over with life and do good, but that gives them full control over my life when I’ve been purposely running away from having that possibly happen to me. HOWEVER I have had a Deeeep passion for acting since I was about 7 and I’ve always said I would move to California (a best friend lives down there too so I’d know someone). I’ve been through classes and got experience here and there and it’s just something that I’m really good at and I’ve always been told that and I believe that if I went for it I could be exactly what I imagined. I don’t want to have a plan b when I believe so strongly in plan a, but that means I would literally be on my own to grow up. I know you don’t know the entire story and I tried to write it all down and I honestly just seem like a hot mess now haha. But I am SOOO lost and confused, please just give me any words of advice you have for me to make a decision finally!!
— MizUnderstood, 20Although I may not have the full story, you’ve given me quite a bit of information about yourself. You’re at a critical crossroads in your life—you can take advantage of your parents’ offer to support you in school (even though you have been subject to their abuse in the past) or you can try to find some means to support yourself financially while you pursue your passion for acting. You may need to make a clean break from your family because what they did to you in the past was so painful that dealing with them in any way now would take you back to a destructive emotional place that could sabotage a productive future. On the other hand, maybe you can leave the past in the past (remember I don’t know exactly what happened back then) and start a new kind of relationship with them that would allow you to accept their support. But you would have to talk to them about what you want that support to look like, and it wouldn’t include their having total control over your life. For example, would they be willing to support acting classes and living expenses for a year while you audition for roles? You do seem to have a lot of support from non-family members, which is great. Develop a detailed Plan A, which would include a lot more than just saying you have a deep passion for acting. Many people with the same level of passion are also trying to pursue their acting dreams, and most don’t succeed. Since you don’t want to look at Plan B right now, put Plan A into action, but give yourself a timetable. And if you need to develop Plan B or even Plan C or D, you can do that down the road.
It sounds like you've got a lot of questions to resolve: whether you want to go out to California to pursue acting; whether you accept your parents’offer to pay for school; how you can get out of the rut you're in with boys and life in general, etc. The good thing is that it also sounds like you've got a lot of ambition. That may not seem like a big plus, but it is. Knowing that you want more out of life than what you currently have is a big first step to actually achieving your goals. All you have to do from here is decide what it is that you want specifically, and then put in the effort to make it happen. To start with, if you think you've got a real shot at acting, then go for it. However, as someone who currently lives in California, I can attest to the fact that coming to Los Angeles to make it big as an actor is not necessarily all it’s cracked up to be, and even if you do make it, you may discover that it's not at all the glorified world you thought it was going to be. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. It does mean that having a Plan B might not be such a bad idea though. Having a back-up plan isn't the same thing as expecting to fail—it’s more like hoping for the best, but being prepared if things don't work out as planned. Your parents’offer to pay for school might be a pretty good back-up plan, but as you mentioned, it sounds like that might come with some strings attached that you might not want to deal with. It's important for you to take some time to sit down and think about what's really important to you—do you want to pursue acting? Is it more important to go to school? Is going to school worth it if you have to subject yourself to your parents’control? Does accepting their money really mean letting them take over your life or is there some sort of compromise you can reach? If not, can you still go to school on your own? These are all questions that you need to figure out for yourself. Finally, as someone who's done online dating in the past, I can certainly tell you that not all the people on there are that amazing. Some might be judgmental, but you don't really need those guys. And as I mentioned earlier, ambition is important. I'm in law school and so for me, education is important and is something I look for and value in a partner. However, I wouldn't discount someone who hadn't gone to college so long as she was ambitious and hoping to make something of herself and actively working to do so. Sometimes life doesn't go as planned and you have to make detours from the path you started to take. But if you're trying to put your life back on track, others will recognize that and be impressed by your efforts to do so. Figure out just what path you want to take, and start working towards it.
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— October 15, 2011 —
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a long time now, and one thing that started out as cute and now slightly irks me is how picky he is. He is turning 23 soon and he is still pickier than most five year olds. Cooking healthy meals is an issue, because unless the food in question is smothered in some form of cheese, he will not touch it. He realizes how ridiculous it is and he’s really embarrassed that we always have to make sure restaurant menus accommodate his wants before we can go. If he had it his way, he would eat cheesy popcorn, medium rare steak, and French fries every day, all day. Now, he’s working full-time at a very professional company. He is living on his own and left to his own devices, I fear for what he’ll do in that kitchen. Or what he won’t. Every day at work, he gets take-out or fast food. I’ve pointed out that he is wasting tons of money doing that—the cost of five meals a week equals what it should cost to feed him for the entire week, breakfast, lunch and dinner. He is trying to expand his food horizons, but since we’re currently living in different cities and he is surrounded by equally clueless males, I can only make suggestions. The biggest problem is lunch time. What can I suggest to pack for lunch when he does not like sandwiches (this includes cheese sandwiches, cold cuts, veggie, etc.), peanut butter, veggies you could toss in stir fry, pita, rice, or grilled chicken? Soup is an option, but he only likes select soups. Please help me figure out what he wouldn’t really have to cook that is healthy, budget-friendly, and easy. He has the eating habits of a frat boy, I know, but the frat boy has to learn how to eat like a young professional.
— 22 Going on 4, 21You sound a bit more like his mother than his girlfriend, so it might be time to back off. Your boyfriend knows the facts—he’s admitted that his food habits are ridiculous. But he’s the one who has to decide whether and when he’s going to change them. You say that he’s trying to broaden his eating horizons—that’s a good start. One way to convince him to try healthier and less expensive options is to be a role model when the two of you are together. Instead of going to a restaurant, tell him that you think it would be fun and romantic to cook together. Try out the recipes in advance so you know they’re delicious, nutritious, and relatively easy to prepare. When he sees and tastes the advantage of at-home food preparation, he might try it—at least some of the time.
When people chose to change a habit, it is usually because they: 1) are not satisfied by their behavior and 2) have an alternate course of action that is more appealing. So, one of the main questions is whether he wants to change his ways. If he is content with his eating habits, it will be very hard to convince him to do something different. At the same time, I think you have a good approach. Providing him with a few enlightening recipes may change his attitudes towards cooking. I recommend finding easy recipes online that contain ingredients he actually likes. In particular, look up recipes by Mark Bittman, a writer for the New York Times. He has tons of quick recipes, an example of which you can find at: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/18/dining/18mini.html. Also, when you do get the chance to see him, it might be worthwhile spending time going shopping for groceries or cooking together. I’ve found the most instructive cooking experiences have been when someone actually shows me how to cook a recipe. When you are not in the same city, perhaps you could try cooking the same meal while on the phone with each other. Good luck!
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— September 10, 2011 —
I met this guy online, he’s a bit older then me and doesn’t live in my area. We have been texting back and forth for a while now. How can I tell if he still is interested in me? Is it a good idea to keep texting him? — Kat, 19
If he’s still texting you, then he is still interested. But if you’re the one who initiates the conversations and he responds to your questions but doesn’t ask you anything or tell you about important things going on in his life, then the message to you is that he’s not really interested. You mention that he’s a bit older than you and he doesn’t live in your area. Those might be two good reasons for you to stop texting. If a bit older is 21 or 22, that’s not a problem, but if a bit older is 31 or 32, you should be wondering why he’s spending time talking with you rather than working on a relationship with someone closer in age. My advice would be to focus on developing friendships and relationships with people closer in age and closer in distance.
It can often be difficult to know whether someone is interested in you when you don’t see them in person, and especially when your communication with them is limited to text messages. That said, it’s usually a good sign if someone continues to contact you, especially if he’s the one initiating the contact. If you want to get a better sense of whether he’s still interested, it might be a good idea to try talking on the phone or even through Skype or any other videochatting program. Oftentimes certain emotions and sentiments can come across more clearly through verbal communication, such as through the tone of someone’s voice, than they do through just writing. One thing to consider though is that if this guy doesn’t live in your area, you might want to try exploring some more options closer to home. Long-distance relationships certainly aren’t impossible, but they’re not easy either, and particularly when they’re premised on a minimal amount of previous contact in person. But if you like him, it certainly doesn’t hurt to give it a shot and see where things might lead.
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— August 22, 2011 —
My dad and I have really never gotten along, and due to his actions it led to me to really hate him. I know hate is a strong word but the things he did just there was no way to forgive him. So when my older sister was 17, he took her on a trip. I’m now almost 19 and he still wants to do the trip with me but I can’t bear to be in the same room with him, especially alone! I just don’t want to go, and he can’t seem to get it through his head that my older sister and I just want nothing to do with him. My younger sister wasn’t as affected as we were so she’s pretty okay with him, but how do I deal with him? I’m going to college soon and he’s trying to plan my trip before that and I told him I don’t know about the idea. — Confused, 18
You don’t say what your father did to make you and your older sister hate him, but it must have been pretty bad for the two of you to have such strong negative feelings about him. If you feel really uncomfortable being alone with your father, then tell him that you can’t go on the trip with him. When you say “I don’t know,” you are giving him the idea that he can convince you to go. Instead, state that you don’t want to go and that you are focusing on getting ready for college. You don’t mention anything about your mom, so I don’t know whether she’s in the picture at all. If she is, she might be able to support you in your decision. If your father’s actions are truly in the past, at some point you might be open to having some kind of relationship with him. But that doesn’t ever have to include a trip unless you really want that.
It sounds like you are in a tough situation. I think if you feel so angry at your father that you do not even want to be in the same room as him, then it may be best to postpone the trip for the time being. But, as you probably know, doing this will not solve the main issue, which is the resentment you feel towards him. At some point, you should work towards reconciling, even if the thought of talking with him openly feels uncomfortable right now. I think the best way to begin this process is by honestly communicating with him why you are feeling the way you are and how you think you two could improve your relationship. I recommend thinking about what you want to say before beginning the conversation. Also, it seems that you could include your sisters in the process as well, either by confiding in them or having them be part of the conversations with your father. I have a friend who has talked to me about making amends with her father. After her father unexpectedly left her mother when she was 16, she felt so betrayed that she was determined to never talk to him again. As time passed, however, she realized that it was important—not just for herself, but for her siblings who had stayed in touch with their father—to re-establish her relationship with him. The healing process was gradual and at times, painful, but she is glad to have her father as part of her life again.
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— July 27, 2011 —
I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months (end of this month) and my parents do not approve of this relationship. At first they were adamantly disapproving of my interracial relationship (I’m Korean dating a White guy) but after 2 weeks of fighting and lots of tears they finally gave in to me dating outside of my race. Now the real problem is that since he doesn’t have a college degree and comes from a broken up family (different family upbringing) my mom is telling me to break it off with him. She wants me to date someone with an education and from the same family upbringing—bring a boyfriend home with the same education level (I recently graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in science). I’ve told them that their standards are not the same as my criteria...tho he doesn’t have a college degree he’s still in the process of graduating and he has a full-time job, fully supporting himself. I’m employed fulltime and supporting myself. I am no longer dependent on my parents but their approval means a lot to me. After a month of fighting/not talking/exchanges of hurtful words with my mom I finally just told her that I will break it off for our relationship sake. What she doesn’t know is that I’m still with him because their standards don’t hold true for me and this is my life. I don’t really date for marriage but I do think about my future with him and I can see us living together happily. Now when I put my parents into the equation, all I see is chaos. His family is everything that my parents do not like. I don’t want to hurt him by leaving him because my parents don’t approve. He knows how my parents feel about him and he knows that I told my parents that we are just friends. I want to be in a relationship with him but I feel that when things get serious I’m not sure what I could do because I know that my parents will be very hurt. I am at a great turmoil. What should I do? — Sarah, 24
It’s unfortunate that your parents cannot understand your perspective. Your mom is hoping that you will come to your senses and break up with a guy whom she believes will not allow you to have the kind of future she has long envisioned. The fact that your boyfriend’s family is so different from yours makes the situation even more difficult for them. But it’s your future that’s at stake. In the short run, it may appear to be easier to continue to lie to your mom about your continuing relationship with your boyfriend. But in the long run, and I’m sure you know this, lying to your mom will hurt your relationship with her. And if you give up your boyfriend because you don’t want your parents to be hurt, your resentment towards them might last a lifetime, not what they would want. It will take a great deal of courage to come clean with your parents, but talk to them as soon as possible about what’s really going on. Let them know that you’re not thinking about marriage right not, that you don’t want to ever hurt them, that you will always respect and listen to their views, but only you can make a decision about whom you love and will eventually marry—it may or may not be the guy you’re with now.
It certainly sounds like you’re in a tough situation. I’ve never personally been on either side of that situation, but I’ve had plenty of friends who have been. As you said, it is your life, and ultimately that’s what matters. Ideally though, of course, you don’t want to have to choose between the happiness that comes from a relationship with your boyfriend versus a relationship with your parents. Ultimately, it will come down to your parents. I happen to be very lucky in having parents whose #1 priority in terms of my love life is that I be happy, and anything beyond that (such as finding a nice, smart, ambitious girl) is just a bonus. I know that even if my parents didn’t approve of a girl I brought home, they would do their best to deal with it and maintain their relationship with me. Hopefully that will be the case with your parents if you decide to maintain your relationship with your boyfriend. If he truly makes you happy and you can see a real future with him, knowing that may go a long way towards getting your parents to respect, if not necessarily approve, your relationship with him. It’s important for you to realize that your parents want what’s best for you, and they want you to have what they think you deserve. Unfortunately, what people deserve isn’t always what they want or what makes them happiest, and it’s often difficult for people to realize that. If your parents are okay with you being friends with him, that’s a good sign, so if you really see a future with him, then you might be better off talking to your parents about it sooner rather than later. If you do decide to tell your parents, try to make it clear to them that you’re doing so because you want to maintain your relationship with them and you don’t want to have to choose between them and your boyfriend. Also let them know that you realize they’re just looking out for you. If they see that you’re not just making a rash decision but have really put a lot of thought into this and are trying to be a responsible adult and a loving daughter, hopefully they’ll appreciate that and respect your decision.
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— July 1, 2011 —
I’m 20 years old and have had a boyfriend for 6 years. The first 3 years he was around my dad but this was in high school. We broke up for about a year and after that our relationship has been the best, I couldn’t ask for more. The problem is my dad is one of those old traditionalists, I’m his baby girl and he’s very protective. If it was up to him I’d stay single forever. Sooo I decided to keep the relationship under wraps from him. He still thinks we broke up and never got back together. I feel really guilty when I go out of town with my boyfriend and have to lie to my dad about it. Or even if I was just going out on the weekend I know he’d be calling or texting me to see where I was and when I was coming home. So making him think I’m single gets him off my back entirely. He lets me go about my day or go on weekend vacations with no questions asked or phone calls. My mom on the other hand is really open and close to my bf. She always knows where I’m at and who I’m with. I call her every hour, She’s my best friend. Should I feel guilty about this or is this normal and understanding given how old fashioned my dad is? I’m not planning on doing this forever. I’m about to graduate college in a year or so and after that my dad has no say in what I do with my life since he’s always said the only thing he asks for is for me to get through school and not become pregnant or drop out for any reason. Help relieve some stress from my life! — Karita, 20
You are in an interesting situation—your father doesn’t contact you to check up on you at all since he knows nothing about your boyfriend, but you are in constant contact with your mom who knows everything about your life. Maybe it’s time to get rid of your guilt and some of your stress by being honest with your dad. Let him know why you were afraid to come clean about resuming the relationship with your boyfriend, and emphasize that you have shown how responsible you are since you are almost finished with college. Most likely he will be somewhat hurt and maybe even angry that you kept something so important from him. And you may have to put up with some checking up and questions—that’s what caring parents do. Ask your mom to support you as you come clean with your dad. The longer you wait to tell your dad the truth, the tougher it will be. Maybe your dad will surprise you by being understanding. And if not, show how mature you are by being patient and caring with him.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation recently. She’d been dating one of my friends for the past three years and her parents, like yours, are very traditional and had told her in high school that she couldn’t date, so when she started dating my friend, she simply didn’t tell them. When they’d call or ask her where she was going, she always told them that she was with friends or babysitting, at the library, etc. Recently though, at age 25, she moved out of her parents house to a new city—with her boyfriend. She decided when she moved to finally tell her parents and luckily it went great, and they have no problem with her dating and have come to visit her and her boyfriend at their new place and even come down a couple of times a month with home-cooked meals for the two of them. Obviously, honesty is important to a good relationship with your parents (both of them), but you don’t want to be in the difficult position of having to choose between obeying your father’s strict rules or continuing to date your boyfriend. If you think your father would be open to the possibility, it might be good to try to explain to him (as gently as possible of course) that you’ve been dating your boyfriend, but nothing’s changed, you’re still your father’s little girl (and you always will be), but you’re also 20 years old and capable of being responsible and having a mature, adult relationship. Hopefully your father will agree, and be impressed with the way that you told him, and will support you. You might have to compromise for a little while and ease him into the idea by cutting back on weekend trips or staying over at your boyfriend’s place, but hopefully your father will grow accustomed to the idea of you and your boyfriend together and gradually ease up on what he lets you do. Remember to try to see things from your father’s perspective as well—you’re 20, but you've still got some growing up to do and he knows that and just wants to make sure that you don’t get hurt.
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— June 3, 2011 —
So there is this guy I work with and I have known him for a little over two years, and I really like him and we get along great. We are a great team, we are like really close friends. And I think about him more than I should, but I do like him a lot and I’m not sure if I want to tell him because I don’t want it to ruin our friendship. But I’m pretty sure he knows I like him because I do flirt with him. But he has a girlfriend who he says he’s not happy with but every time he tries to break up with her she cries and gives him a sob story so he stops. And I talk to him often when we’re not at work since it’s a seasonal job but I don’t know what to do.— Cass, 19
If this guy were single, I’d say, tell him how you feel. But he’s still in a relationship, no matter how many times he tells you he’s not happy with it or that he doesn’t want to make this girl cry. You could be asking for heartache if you get more involved with this guy when he is still committed to someone else. My suggestion is to continue to be a great friend, but don’t offer advice about the relationship he’s in now. He has to make an independent decision about whether to stay or leave his girlfriend for you and him to have any shot at a successful relationship.
That’s certainly a tough situation to be in. On the one hand, your friend isn’t happy in his current relationship and it’d be great if you could make him happier than the girl he’s currently dating. On the other hand though, as a friend (rather than as a girl with a romantic interest in him), you want him to be happy and supportive of him, even if what he’s doing is dating someone else. It’s a fine line to walk between being a good friend and trying to date him yourself. The best thing to do might be to tell him how you feel and let him decide. You can let him know that you want to be his friend regardless of how things turn out, so he’s not choosing between having you as a girlfriend or having nothing. But let him know that it’s on the table, so if he agrees with you and thinks that he’d be happier with you than with his current girlfriend, then he might be more inclined to break up with her than if he doesn’t know you have feelings for him. Either way, and no matter what happens, if you show him that you’re supportive of him while also being direct about what you want, you can keep a good friendship and maybe even turn it into something more.
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— May 6, 2011 —
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I love him dearly. When we celebrated 3 years together he bought me a promise ring but I thought he was proposing to me. Ever since that day and even before then, I knew I wanted to marry him not just because he bought me the ring. He’s kind, funny, sensitive and I see him as a great guy. I spoke to him and told him about how I felt and now he has kinda told me how I talk about this issue a lot and it’s frustrating him. I find myself looking at all things to do with weddings. I’m scared I’ll lose him because of my ‘behaviour.’ Sometimes, I feel really low and miserable all the time and I sometimes cry for no reason and my boyfriend tells me off for looking so miserable when we’re with friends. I’ve recently been put on anti-epilepsy drugs due to a recent diagnosis of epilepsy. Do you think the medication is causing worse mood swings than normal? Are they even mood swings? Is there something wrong with me? I can go from being quite happy to being so miserable and teary very quickly. Please help! — Sarah, 19
Medications have all kinds of side effects, so you should review the information that comes with the drug or ask a pharmacist or your doctor about whether the behavior changes you’ve noticed could be related to the medication. You might also be feeling sad because of your new diagnosis, which may take a while to get used to. But you should also consider whether your disappointment over the difference between your sense of what the ring means and your boyfriend’s view is contributing to your feeling miserable. If your boyfriend is really kind and sensitive as you say, you should be able to talk to him about what’s going on. Maybe he can reassure you about his feelings for you. And if you find out that he’s not that great guy that you thought he was, it’s better to find out now—hard as that is—than after you’ve gotten married.
If you think your medication might be affecting your mood (and your relationship!), you should definitely talk to your doctor about it. She might recommend that you see a psychologist, which might also be helpful for dealing with your recent diagnosis as well as the way your mood swings are affecting your relationship. Another thing you can do is think about things that make you happy, other than your boyfriend. Whether it’s spending time with friends, listening to music, or playing a sport, try to make more time for it, especially when you’re feeling down.
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— April 1, 2011 —
Hi, I would love to have your thoughts about my dearest who is leaving home because her father nags her almost all day, and I'm being made to promise not to tell that she's going to leave home. She's a graduate, seeking a job at the moment. Would you continue to back her in all this because she would just leave home and drop a note saying she's gone till further notice? — Tim, 23
It's hard to answer your question without knowing how old your “dearest” is. Is she a recent high school graduate or a college graduate? As her boyfriend, showing that you care about her is important. Being realistic should be part of your perspective, too. How will she support herself since she does not yet have a job? Her father might nag her all day, but does he really deserve to get a note saying she's gone until further notice? If she does decide to leave, you might suggest a kinder approach.
It's important to be supportive, but you also have the advantage of being a little more removed from the situation than your girlfriend and can perhaps see things more objectively. If you think that she is making the right decision leaving home because of her nagging father, then it's important to support her decision to the fullest and help her deal with the likely tough situation of being away from home without her father to help her out anymore. However, leaving home is certainly a big decision, and if her only motivation is just that her father is nagging her some, it might be worth it for her to first try to talk to her father, tell him her issues with how things are, and see if they can find a resolution that doesn't involve her moving out. If she's already tried that or if it turns out that talking to him or finding a compromise isn't possible, then moving out might be reasonable solution. Even if she does move out, it might be a good idea to encourage your girlfriend to at least let her father know ahead of time and to try to maintain her relationship with him. Above all, however, just try to keep your girlfriend's best interests in mind and help her to achieve them.
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— March 1, 2011 —
I'm graduating this year, but I'm not sure if I am. I take this AP English class and this class will determine if I will walk across that stage. I also have 2 more tests to pass. How do I deal with the possibility of not graduating? I try to stay positive, but that doesn't work. — DaVonte, 18
Instead of worrying about whether you will pass your English class or whether you will graduate, ask your teachers what you can do now to improve your school performance. Is tutoring available? Do your teachers offer extra help hours? Can you get help from your parents or older siblings? Have you visited your guidance counselor? In other words, take advantage of the help that is available. Taking action is a far better strategy than simply having positive thoughts.
Try not to focus on the possibility of not graduating and how much these tests determine. If you just think of them as tests and focus on what you need to do in order to pass them, it will be much less overwhelming. Make a study plan for yourself for each of the tests to make them more manageable. If you're really worried about a test, meet with your teacher to talk about it. If you were able to get into such a challenging class as AP English, you probably have the intellect and skills to pass it, and your teacher will be better able to assess how you're doing in comparison to how well you need to be doing to pass the test.
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— February 4, 2011 —
So I've had this "boyfriend" since my sophomore year in high school, I'm a freshman in college now. We broke up after 4 months cause my parents didn't want me to have a bf but we still secretly liked each other. It was like we were dating just secretly. But one day I saw him holding hands with another girl and from there things kinda went downhill, and he would still say he loved me but there were always rumors that he was still messing around with her. He is going to a different college but plans to come with me to mine next year and I thought that was great, until I came home for Christmas break and again another rumor about him and her. He denies it, of course, and I know the girl has a motive for lying cause she doesn't like me very much but I don't know who to believe. He says he wouldn't hurt me ever again, but he's done it more than once before. Also, there is another guy that I've been getting close with and I know he likes me and all my friends say to give him a chance. I want to, but I can't seem to let go of my ex, we talk a lot still and I've tried telling him maybe we should take a break or maybe we shouldn't talk as much as we do cause in the end if we were meant to be together we will be but he keeps saying things like "Baby no, I love you, I can't be without you even if it's only a break, etc etc..." and I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know if it's right to leave him just cuz of a rumor that I don't know is true, but at the same time I'll never know if it's true or not. If me and him aren't going to be together I want it to be cause we really aren't meant to be. Not because of rumors. And the other guy is so sweet, it's the first time I've liked somebody since my ex. And other boys have liked me, it's just I never liked any of them back until now that my feelings for this boy are growing. He knows about my ex and I'm pretty sure he is willing to wait until I'm ready to be in a new relationship but I don't know when that will be cause me and my ex have such a long history. I really love my ex, and part of me always will no matter what, even after how he hurt me, and I haven't and wouldn't ever dream of hurting him the way he did to me. I'm willing to work on things with him but I don't know if he really has genuinely changed his ways. I don't want to have to worry about him cheating on me and I know the other guy would never ever do that to me. My ex also knows about the other guy I have gotten close to because I don't want to hide it from him or hurt him or anything. He doesn't like it and doesn't want me talking to him but I don't want to stop talking to him. I haven't liked anyone in so long, maybe my friends are right and I should be with him, but I still can't end things with my ex. I don't know how, we had our whole life planned out and that's why I think a break would be good for us, so we can start over again. I have been thinking about it a lot but I don't know what I should do. — Confused, 18
You may not know for sure whether your ex is cheating now, but you do know that he did cheat on you at least once before. What else do you know for sure? That you have a crush on another guy and that you feel torn between him and your ex-boyfriend. You're thinking about taking a break or maybe talking less often to your ex. Taking either action wouldn't really resolve your dilemma. It seems to me that you're not in a position to either go back with your old boyfriend or move forward with a new relationship. You could keep your options open by dating both, but to be fair, you need to let both guys know that you're not ready for an exclusive relationship at this time. The downside is that either or both of them might decide they don't want that. The other option for you is to make a decision keeping in mind all of the facts as well as your feelings. In other words, use your brain and your heart.
It sounds like you've got a "what if" problem. What if you try things out with your ex-boyfriend and it turns out he hasn't changed his ways? Or if you discover you don't really still love him after all? Will the other boy still be there for you? Or what if you decide to simply go with the boy who's kind and sweet who you know likes you and who you feel similarly about, will you wonder what would have happened if you'd given things with your ex another chance? The important thing is to not let your uncertainty paralyze you. In truth, there's no real way to know for sure how things will turn out if you decide things one way over another. The best you can do is hope to make the right decision and give it your best effort. If things work out, that's great, and if they don't, at least you tried. As far as your current decision is concerned, it sounds like the new guy is more of a safe bet, but you're having trouble letting your ex go. If you really think your ex has changed, or if you think you'll always be wondering how things might have worked out with him, then you might as well go for it. But if you're just worried about making things final, it might be time to end things with your ex. If your parents are okay with you dating now, you have to ask yourself why you haven't given things a real shot with your ex before this, and with this new guy in the picture, it sounds like this is a good opportunity to try something new. Just make sure that whatever decision you make, you do it for the right reasons, and don't let your desire not to make a mistake color your decision.
— January 7, 2011 —
I've managed to ride out teenagedom without romance. I went to a small high school, kept busy, and ended up never being kissed, asked out, etc. I'm happy with my life, my friends, and (on most days) myself, but I feel like I missed my chance to make the normal puberty-driven mistakes. Though I can't say I would change any part of my life thus far, I'm embarrassed to be so behind the curve. I feel unfeminine, immature, and socially inept. Am I really such an outlier? Or am I just blaming circumstances for something that's my fault? — Nearing 20, 19
There is no perfect timetable for romantic experiences. Some people start dating at 12 and others much later. There is also no set timetable for mistakes people make in relationships. The important thing is to learn from each experience, whenever it happens. You say that you wouldn't change your life and you do have friends, but you admit to feeling unfeminine, immature, and socially inept. It seems that you are ready to make some changes in your life but are a little afraid. That's normal. You've taken the first step by critically analyzing your feelings. Now, you need to take the next step, which requires action. You don't say whether you're in college or have a job, but both environments are ideal for meeting new people. The key is being open to new experiences and relationships.
I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed or concerned about and I'd hardly say that you're an outlier. I have plenty of friends who didn't get their first boyfriend or girlfriend, or have their first kiss, until they were in college, some until they were almost finished with college. And rest assured, there's plenty of time to make mistakes. Just because you're done with puberty doesn't mean those same hormones aren't still there and acting up. My 25-year old friends make just as many hormone-driven decisions as their 15-year old counterparts. If anything, you can benefit from your added age and wisdom to better grasp the consequences of your actions and hopefully not make the worst of those mistakes. If you're feeling unfeminine, talk to your friends and see what they have to say—maybe try out some new makeup or a new perfume, go out dancing or to other social events where there's plenty of girl/guy interaction. I wouldn't worry too much about feeling immature, since as I mentioned, you're definitely not alone and there's no reason to feel like you're behind the curve. As for feeling socially inept, if you really think it's an issue for you, you can try out some alternative methods for meeting people such as online dating, which can give you a chance to get to know someone in a less intimidating setting. Joining other social organizations, like adult coed sports leagues and meet-up groups centered on various common activities (board games, politics, etc.) are also a good option. Regardless of what you decide to do, know that there's no hurry. Even as a 25-year old, I still feel pretty young (despite all the 22-year olds in my first year law school classes with me who can't bear the thought of being 25 and don't hesitate to tell me so!), so you've got plenty of time.