Kids
— February 2, 2012 —
Please help me. I get made fun of by the boys in my grade a lot and the girls snicker with them. One girl even calls the table where I sit “the loser table!” The problem is at my school even if we say shut up we could get in trouble. How do I get them to stop? — Jackie, 11
P.S. I have gone to my principal. She did nothing just like in the fourth grade.
Since your principal won’t listen to you when you tell her about the bullying that’s going on at her school, describe what’s going on in a letter. Explain how the way these kids are acting is making you so upset you can’t concentrate on learning. If your principal still won’t do anything, talk to your mom or dad. Tell them that you’ve tried to solve this problem on your own by talking and then writing to your principal, but neither has worked and you need them to do something. School administrators sometimes listen to parents when they won’t listen to kids. That’s not fair, but that’s how some adults are. Even principals have bosses, and your parents can go to that person, if they need to. You shouldn’t have to deal with bullying at school.
You did the right thing by trying to talk to your principal, since she is the person with the most power to make the bullying stop. It seems that maybe you just need help convincing her that bullying is a real problem. Two good ways to get her to change her mind are to get other people to support you and to have facts to back up your point. Talk to your parents, your friends, your teachers, and your friends’ parents to ask them to support you in your fight against bullying at school. You can try to organize a meeting with the principal that everyone can come to or you can have them sign a petition. In terms of facts to back up your argument, you need to show your principal how much of a problem bullying is and why she should care. Try to keep track of how many times you and other students are bullied in a week. Ask teachers to keep track of every time they see bullying or a student tells them they were bullied. Once you can show your principal how common bullying is, you can use information from websites such as stopbullying.gov to explain why bullying at school is such a big problem and what schools can do about it.
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— January 5, 2012 —
In soccer I am new on the team. This one kid is trying all he can to not pass to me, even in games. I don’t know what to do. Please help me! — Bob, 10
Talk to this kid before or after a practice. Let him know that you really enjoy soccer and would appreciate his help in your getting more playing time, which will translate into better soccer skills. If your teammate ignores your request and continues to hog the ball, talk to your coach and see if he can help out.
Take your teammate aside and first, compliment him on his passing or shooting or whatever. Second, ask him: “You want to win, right?” When he says “yes,” say, “Me, too. So, I SUGGEST you pass to me.” The first statement will get him to think of you as a nice person, the second will get him in an agreeing mood, and the third should get him to agree with you. Take note—you must say SUGGEST and nothing more aggressive. Good luck!
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— December 10, 2011 —
Ok, so I’m a dancer and of course, I have to wear makeup to competitions and recitals. One day, I’m in my closet looking for some pads to wear, and I look down and I see my sister’s purse and in it was my dance makeup!!!!! What should I do??????? — Kasey, 12
I am missing a lot of information. I don’t know whether your sister’s purse was open or not, or whether your sister is a teen or a five-year old. In any case, she is probably old enough to know that what she did was wrong. Tell your sister exactly where and how you found your missing makeup and how upset you are that she took something that belonged to you. Let her know that you want to be able to trust her, and she’ll have to show you that she deserves that trust.
Since it doesn't seem like you were snooping through your sister's stuff, I think it's okay for you to talk to her about what you found. Make it clear that you weren't going through her things, and tell her that you'd appreciate it if the next time she wants to borrow your makeup or anything else that’s yours that she ask first.
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— November 10, 2011 —
My parents yell at me when I get a grade lower than an A. I don’t know how to deal with it. Please help. — Rosy, 12
Try saying something like this: “Now Mom/Dad, I know you want me to do well in school, right?“ (They'll answer “yes.„) Then say: “I'm doing my best to do well, but I'm not always going to get an amazing grade. I'll try, but please don't get mad at me if I don't always get what you want.” Believe me, it works! I've tried it!
Maybe your parents want you to get into good habits so you can do well in high school and college. Or maybe, your parents feel you are so smart you should always get A’s in everything. Perhaps they want your grades to be high enough to get you into college with a scholarship. Maybe when they were growing up, their parents yelled at them so they think that is how they can motivate you to do your very best in school. Sometimes knowing the reason can help you understand even if you do not agree with their yelling. Talk with your parents and say that you think you would do better and feel calmer if they talked with you rather than yelled at you. If you get a B but you are really trying as hard as you can, you could ask your teacher for ideas to do even better. Know that most people don’t get A’s all the time and in every subject. And try not to let the yelling shake your confidence in yourself! Just keep trying to do your best.
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— October 15, 2011 —
I feel all confused. I stopped being best friends with this girl because she was really immature and trying to control me. Now she keeps making rumors about me. My other best friend is really nice but something feels wrong between us and I’ve been spending less time with her. I am involved in a bike Energy Breakthrough Challenge and as much as I want to do it, none of my friends in the group can get their bikes to any events and I’m usually stuck with my sister and her friends. Please help. I don’t know what to do with my life! — India, 11
You have a number of things happening at the same time in your life, so it’s not surprising that you’re feeling uncertain about what to do. First, your former best friend is creating rumors about you. It sounds like you were right about her because spreading rumors is very immature (and cruel) and certainly is one way to try to control a person. If the rumors are not upsetting you or hurting other friendships, you could ignore them. But if they continue and become a kind of bullying, you should alert an adult you trust—at home or school—to get advice. With your other best friend, if she is nice then you could ask her directly if there is something wrong and let her know you want to stay good friends with her. Do you think you are spending less time with her because of the time you are devoting to the Energy Breakthrough Challenge? Maybe it is important to you but not something your friends are interested in, which is okay. Being friends does not mean you have to do everything together, and as you get older you could have some friends who love to do outdoor activities with you and others who like the same kind of movies you do but hate outdoor activities.
If you really like the Energy Challenge and are able to do it, even if it is not with your current friends, then go for it, and over time you will meet new friends who also like this. Sometimes, life surprises us with changes that we did not expect to happen and don’t know how to handle. It sounds like you might be entering one of those times when your interests and your friends might not be the same anymore. Best friends are special and if you have that connection, you will stay friends even if you have some different interests. New friends are wonderful, too. But anyone treating you unkindly and spreading rumors should become an ex-friend.
You made the right decision by ending your friendship with your former best friend who tried to control you. Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do about the rumors she is spreading about you. It’s great that you have another best friend you can spend time with. Even though you feel that something is off, you should continue being friends with her and see if you can identify (and fix) what’s wrong. It must be tough that your friends can’t go to any of the Energy Challenge events, but that sounds like a really fun thing to be involved in, and it could be a great chance to spend some time with your sister and even become friends with some of her friends, too.
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— September 10, 2011 —
Ok, so I just found out I have scoliosis. I now have a back brace. I’m just starting 6th grade next week and I’m kinda nervous. I don’t know how people will react. I’m only gonna tell my friends though. I just don’t want people to treat me differently. I just want to be normal. Well, thanks. — Cookie, 11
In sixth grade, some kids begin to wear glasses, others get braces on their teeth. Some get much taller and others are slower in developing. You and the other kids in your grade are experiencing all kinds of changes, so it’s normal to be a bit self-conscious. Since you don’t want people to treat you differently, just act like your back brace is no big deal. Others will take the lead from you. When you make a new friend, you can decide whether (and when) you want to share the information about your scoliosis and back brace.
In middle school, a lot of people are always trying to fit in and look like others. When they concentrate on that, they tend to forget about themselves and they start to act like other people. Jut be yourself. I doubt that you will be bullied but if you are, try not to let it overwhelm you. If you have a school counselor, maybe you can get her or him to talk to the kids who are teasing you.
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— August 22, 2011 —
I really want to be on Facebook, but my parents don’t trust me with it yet because I mostly bug my older siblings’ friends, and I now know it’s wrong, but they still don’t trust me. How can I convince them to let me have one? — Diana, 10
Having a Facebook page is a big responsibility. To keep you safe, you need to know what you can put up on the page and what you shouldn’t. Your parents may feel that you’re not quite mature enough to deal with teens and adults who might try to “friend” you on Facebook, to know which photos are okay to post and which are not, and what kind of information you should never post about yourself. Perhaps you and your parents can develop a set of rules for having a Facebook page, and then you need to make sure you follow those rules and allow them to monitor your use. Once they see that you are responsible, they will begin to trust you more, not just with Facebook but with other activities you want to do.
If you want your parents to let you get Facebook, you need to gain their trust and show them that you are responsible enough for one. It’s good that you’ve already recognized why they don’t want you on Facebook; the next step is proving to them that you won’t abuse your Facebook. This means that you should stop bugging your siblings’ friends and only focus on your friends. You can ask your parents if you can get Facebook for one week and show them that you use it responsibly. Then maybe they will allow you to keep it permanently. If you find, however, that most of your friends aren’t on Facebook and it is mainly your siblings’ friends you are contacting, then maybe it is too soon for you to have a Facebook page. You still are young and if most of your friends your age don’t have Facebook then I don’t see why you would need one.
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— July 27, 2011 —
I want there to be an organization to stop school bullying, but at my school there’s not. I mean, I’ve seen friends get bullied, frenemies, and in fact, I’ve even seen bullies get bullied. I want school bullying to stop right now, but now that school’s out, I don’t know how to make it stop. Please help me with this problem and try to do whatever you can. Thanks. — Megan, 11
P.S. I’ve even been bullied myself and I know just about everyone has. Thanks again. M.C.
You sound like a responsible person who sees a serious problem and wants to fix it. You should feel proud that you care so much and want to help. One of the best things you can learn (and it works in lots of situations and at every age) is that when you see a problem, stop to think and consider your choices. Who are the bullies? It sounds like they are older than kids in your grade because so many of your friends have been bullied, there would not be too many left to be the bullies. You did not mention whether you have asked any adults—parents or teachers, for example—for advice, but they might know of programs already set up in other places that could work where you live. If you are going to camp this summer, you could talk with the Camp Director or Senior Counselor to find out if they have information about programs or ideas about what you could do this summer to prevent bullying. You might also check out http://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/ . When you go back to school, you and any of your friends who feel the same way should talk with the principal or a favorite teacher, and ask the school to set up a program to Stop Bullying.
If there isn’t a club, start one! You can be the leader, and take an action that others don’t want to, or are too afraid of doing. Obviously, you would have to wait for summer to end so that you can start your club, so use the time you have to your advantage! Start with these steps in mind:
- Define your goal
- What are the resources that you have? (People/Time/Money)
- What are the possible roadblocks you could face?
- What are the BACKUP resources that you can use?
Using these steps, your club will be up and running in no time!!! Finally, be determined, and don’t let bullies stop you either!
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— July 1, 2011 —
My best friend and I have been really close ever since we first met but this year something changed between us and I'm not sure if it's something I did. I don't want to lose her. What should I do? — Halyles, 12
I can understand your worry about possibly losing your best friend. I do think you need to talk to her about this but before you do, take some time to think about the situation. Does it feel like things changed quickly or over time? If quickly, then something might have happened in her life and it could have nothing to do with you. If it seems that you two more slowly drifted apart, then sometimes that happens with friends and no one is to blame. People and interests change as they get older. See if you can come up with any clues that will help you understand what occurred. Then, you should definitely talk to her to see if she agrees there has been a change in your friendship as maybe everything is really okay. You should be prepared that she could tell you there is a change and why OR she might say everything is fine but does not return your calls or texts. If that happens, you will be sad but you can not make someone want to be friends. Instead, you should keep alert to other kids who might want to be your friend even if you had not realized it before. You will likely find a new best friend—you just won't know the exact date it will happen, but it will.
You could start by asking your friend to hang out more. If you initiate it, then it shows that you’re making an effort in the relationship. If you still feel like she doesn’t return the gesture, then you should simply talk to her about it. That’s the best way to find out what’s really going on. Tell her that you’ve noticed the two of you haven’t been hanging out as much lately and you were wondering why. See what she says, and if there is a problem try to talk it out.
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— June 3, 2011 —
I have two friends that always fight because one thinks that the other one is hanging out too much with the other one, and it’s not true. The next day one is mad at the other one because a person said that the other one is mad at her and that’s not true, but every day it’s the same. What do I do? — Kiki, 10
I am sorry to hear that your two friends are fighting all the time because laughing is so much more fun. It does not sound like either friend has asked for your help or advice so I think you should not do anything except try to spend more time with other friends. If the two friends notice and ask why they are seeing you less, you can explain and see if talking helps them find a way to learn what true friendship really means.
It seems like there is a lot of miscommunication going on with your friends and you are stuck in the middle of it. It sounds like they are hearing lots of things from outside people and not talking directly to each other about it. Since you are friends with both of them and you have heard both sides, you are probably in a good place to step in and help. I suggest that you sit down with both of your friends at the same time. Tell them that you know they are both upset with each other and ask both friends to state their side and try to work out whatever problem there may be. Explain to your friends that you don’t want them to fight so that all three of you can hang out together.
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— May 6, 2011 —
Some kids in my class keep on picking on me every single day when I come to school. I’m scared to even come to school. I wish I can be home schooled, but my mom is not going to let me. I keep my emotions bottled up inside me and it just makes me scared to tell my mom what I don’t want to do. What should I do? — Dino, 11
No one should have to be afraid to go to school. Talk to your mom about what you’re experiencing and how often you’re being picked on. Let her know that you wish you could be home schooled just to get away from the bullying. That will help her understand how serious your situation is and perhaps help her take action. If she decides not to contact school administrators, then gather up your courage and talk to your teacher or principal or school nurse and tell her/him exactly what has been happening and the effect it’s had on you. Some adult should be prepared to deal with the kids who have been bullying you. Remember that you are not the cause of the bullying. Others have decided to pick on you to make themselves feel better or more powerful.
If you don’t feel comfortable telling your mom, maybe you can try talking to a friend or your teacher. A friend may be able to help you by staying with you when you are around these bullies. This may stop them from picking on you since you are not alone. An even better way to stop them would be by talking to your teacher. He/she can talk to the kids directly and tell them to stop. One would hope that they will listen to your teacher. Your teacher might also separate the kids in class, which could stop them from picking on you. They probably feel like they have more power when they are together, but if they are alone they might not be so mean.
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— April 1, 2011 —
Hey, I was talking to my friends on the bus today, and they seemed to be keeping a secret. I convinced them to tell me, and apparently one of them said a good friend of theirs said seriously (not passing a rumor around) that some boys might be doing drugs (though they weren't sure). Originally, we had a plan to talk to them and tell a teacher. The friend wasn't supposed to tell anybody, so we were going to be anonymous. Then she dropped out. I'm not exactly sure why. My question is this: Should I break her trust (and reputation with the friend) or go on with the plan, and tell someone? Thanks — Seriously Worried, 12
I can see why you are worried. There are two big issues here pulling you in opposite directions. One is to try to be responsible, and if there are boys doing drugs, to alert a responsible adult at school. Second, you wish to be loyal to your friend and not break a confidence. It sounds to me like your information is third-hand (a friend who said another friend said some boys might be doing drugs) and so it is very hard to know how true the information is, even if you were told this was not a rumor but a serious issue. Since you signed your letter "seriously worried," you must be very concerned about doing what is best with the information you have. Figure out whether there is a teacher you really trust and then tell that teacher that you heard indirectly that the named students could be doing drugs. Make sure you say that you have no idea whether what you heard is true, but you simply want to alert the school to keep an extra eye out to be sure those students are okay. Don't name the student who dropped out or the students on the bus since they don't have any better information than you.
Ask Dr. M for Advice on Your Problem
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— March 1, 2011 —
So my mom has been upset lately. She puts herself down all the time and keeps arguing with my dad. She wants to move. I don't know how to make her feel better or try to convince her not to move. What should I do? — Drey, 12
You are NOT responsible for the arguments between your mom and dad, nor can you change the way your mom feels about herself. What you can do is tell her that you are upset by the fights and her threats to move. Your parents, who are the adults, may be too upset to keep your needs in mind during this stressful time. Seek out an adult you can talk to about what’s going on and how the situation is making you feel. Consider who might be available to you. Does your school have a psychologist or social worker? Is there a counselor at an after-school program? Does your family belong to a religious organization that provides support services for young people? They may not be able to solve your family’s problems, but they can help you manage your stress in the difficult situation you find yourself in.
You should sit down with your mom and talk to her about what’s been going on. Explain how much you care about her and tell her some reasons why she is important to you and why you love having her around. You might also want to talk to your dad to see if there is anything that he can do to help the situation. You must remember though that maintaining a marriage is not an easy thing to do. It takes a lot of hard work and sacrifices. If your mom does end up moving out, just know that it is not because of you. Just because she couldn’t continue her relationship with your dad does not mean that she loves you any less. All you need to do is make it clear to your mom that you are here for her and would like to help in any way possible.
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— February 4, 2011 —
I always feel comfortable talking about puberty or boyfriends when my mom brings it up, but I can never bring it up by myself. Please give me advice. — Paige, 12
Your mom seems to know that certain topics are difficult for you to bring up, so she has initiated those conversations. Although it might be hard for you to ask questions about your changing body or relationships, your mom has already shown you that she feels comfortable discussing those kinds of subjects with you. The next time you have a question, think about how open your mom has already been, and be direct with her. She will probably be happy to share information and give you advice.
The fact that you feel comfortable talking about puberty and boyfriends with your mom is a great first step. Since you are able to discuss these things with her you know that it is not awkward or uncomfortable for her either. So when you are able to bring it up yourself you need to remember that although it might be scary for you, your mom will not feel weird talking about it. A good time to bring it up is when you and your mom are alone, maybe in a car or something. All you need to do is ask one question and the conversation will get going. I know it can be scary but soon it will be normal to talk about these things because they will become more and more a part of your life. So don't be afraid and remember that every girl goes through this.
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— January 7, 2011 —
For Christmas I only got one gift—a keyboard. I barely know how to play the keyboard. I ask my mom for the things on my list and I find my list on the floor, chewed up by my pet. I go to a private school and everyone is bragging about what they got—iPod touches, Nooks, iPads, mini laptops. Basically everything I asked for and didn't get. To make everything worse one of my friends just got a 50 inch flat plasma screen and I have a box TV. I've been crying because it's hard to deal with. — Me, 10
Of course, you're upset that you got a gift that was different from what you wanted and expected. To add to your disappointment, your classmates are bragging about their gifts, which were also on your list. However, the reality is that a gift is something that is chosen by the giver (your mom). Even though you barely know how to play now, she probably thought that the keyboard might be something you would enjoy not just now, but for years to come. I don't know whether your mom made her decision based on what she could afford to get you or what she thought was the "right" gift for you. Although you may feel that not having certain gadgets now is truly awful, you can start planning to save up for one of them—by putting aside part of your allowance, doing extra chores to earn money, and later by babysitting. In the meantime, take some time to learn to practice on your keyboard—this gift might become more appealing as time goes on.
Sometimes one big gift can be better than lots of smaller gifts. If you start using your keyboard you might find that you really enjoy it. Playing on a keyboard can be a fun way to relax and a good way to escape technology. If you had gotten an iPad, laptop or iPod touch you probably would have ended up spending way too much time texting, going on the internet and playing mindless games, rather than enjoying the simple things in life. If you give it a chance I think you will enjoy playing on your new keyboard and someday you might be happy that you didn't get all the gadgets that you wish you had now. So try to enjoy what you have and not worry about what everyone else has. Don't compare yourself to them based on the gifts you got and try not to let their bragging bother you.