Young-adults

Dear Linda,
Congratulations for graduating from high school with high honors. Right now you're at the in-between stage, still living at home but planning for the independence of your college years. Your parents are probably feeling very anxious about all the things that can go wrong that they have no control over. They don't realize that when they are overly strict, you and your brother resort to lying. I don't believe that lying is ever the way to solve a problem, just a way to avoid dealing with it temporarily. And often, the truth comes out eventually, making the situation worse. Tell your parents you would like to have an important conversation with them. Find a time when they are not rushing off to do something else or you've just had a big fight. Then talk to them about how your feel and how important it is to you to have some freedom now to make your own decisions. Remind them that when you are away at college, you will really be on your own and it would be better for you to have some practice being independent. Try to keep in mind that you will always be their child and they will always be trying to protect you, no matter how old you are. If your conversation doesn't change anything, try to focus on the fact that you'll be away at college in just a couple of months.

Dear Linda,
I completely understand where you're coming from. I recently moved home after graduating from college and it feels like taking a step backwards. I don't have as much privacy as I'm used to, and my parents ask me a million questions every time I go out with my friends. Try talking to your parents again and maybe get your brother in on it, too. Explain that you don't want to disobey them, but you think their rules are unfair. When you get to college, your parents won't have any control over what you do, so it's probably better that they start to give you control over your life now. See if you can compromise, such as having a curfew instead of not being allowed out at all. If you show your parents that you can be a responsible adult, they should give you a little more freedom to make your own decisions.

Dear Curious,
You left out a crucial piece of information. I wish I knew whether you meant to write 1 ½ weeks, months, or years ago. If it’s only 1 ½ weeks or months ago, it’s probably too soon for this guy to know whether he wants to be in a relationship. But if you’ve been hanging out with him for a year and a half, I can understand why you want to know where you stand. You don’t indicate why he’s afraid to commit, but at this stage you should be able to talk about how the two of you feel and what you each need in a relationship. If he’s calling all the shots, think about why you’re letting that happen.

Dear Curious,
The first thing you need to figure out is whether you yourself want to be in a relationship, and if so, do you want to be in one with him. If you jump into a relationship before knowing what you really want, it can hurt the chances of what might otherwise be a great relationship down the line. If you do know you want to be in a relationship with the guy you’re dating, talk to him about it. Ask him why he’s scared. If it’s because he just got out of a long-term relationship or because he’s never had a girlfriend before, you might want to consider giving him a little more time. If you do decide to continue dating him and a few months from now, you’re still in the same position where he’s scared to commit to a relationship, then it’s time to start thinking about whether it’s in your best interest to continue with him, or to simply cut your losses and look for someone new.

Dear Nina,
Does it really matter whether your husband’s cousin is attracted to you or not? You made a decision a while back to marry and have a child with your husband. You say that you love your husband, so focus on making your marriage and motherhood work, and don’t put yourself in situations where you might be tempted to act on what appears to be some lingering attraction to your husband’s cousin. You might feel that making your husband jealous will be good for your relationship, but that’s a dangerous game to play.

Dear Nina,
It's tough to say one way or another whether your husband's cousin likes you. Just because he says hello and looks at you and sometimes gives you a cheeky grin doesn't necessarily mean that he likes you. On the flip side though, it's very possible that those are flirtatious gestures meant to express interest in you. However, what's more important than whether or not your husband's cousin likes you is how you feel. If you're not interested and you love your husband, then it shouldn't matter whether your husband's cousin likes you. If you make it clear that you are devoted to your husband, hopefully his cousin will get the message. If he doesn't, and he persists in his advances or even becomes more forward, you may need to talk to him and explain that you do not share his feelings and would like him to stop because it puts you in an awkward position. If that still doesn't work and the situation further worsens, you and your husband may need to confront him together. Regardless though, don't let what his feelings may or may not be dictate how you act.

Dear Emily,
Congratulations on having a close relationship with your daughter—that's certainly something to be proud of. What your daughter needs from you now is a sounding board, someone she trusts with whom she can discuss the pros and cons. Parents never stop worrying about their children's welfare, but you can tell her about your concerns without overwhelming her with guilt or telling her what she should do. Part of the job of being a parent is letting go and allowing your daughter to make her own decision—particularly about something that is as personal as her sex life.

Dear Emily,
That's pretty amazing that your daughter told you she is thinking about having sex with her boyfriend. Besides indicating that you have an incredibly close relationship with your daughter, this could also mean that she's not entirely sure about her decision or wants approval from you beforehand. Since she obviously feels comfortable talking to you about these things, start up the conversation again and try to get her to explain why she thinks she's ready to have sex, without attacking her decision. If she can't really defend her choice, then you may be right and should gently tell her that it doesn't seem like she's thought it through very much. On the other hand, you may think it's a bad decision specifically because she's your daughter. Before you have this talk with her, think on your own about whether you would still think it's a bad decision if it were the daughter of a friend, rather than your own daughter.

Dear Confused,
This guy is playing a game with rules that aren't fair to you or his current girlfriend. And you're letting him get away with it. He's keeping you hanging around just in case his relationship fizzles out totally. And he's staying in a relationship that is just “good enough.” Do you really even want a boyfriend like that? Do yourself a big favor. Don't make it so easy for him. Walk away now before you get really hurt. And if his girlfriend catches on, she should leave, too. That's what I'd tell her if she asked for my advice. Neither of you should want to be in a relationship that is all about him, and not enough about either of you.

Dear Confused,
Waiting any amount of time is too long. That's not to say that you should close off the possibility of this guy breaking up with his girlfriend and going out with you. However, remember that until that happens, you are not dating him, and you should be open to the idea of meeting other guys. It's difficult to do that when you have it set in your mind that you are waiting a certain period of time to see what he does or doesn't do. It might also help to make it clear that you are not waiting for him—that you would like to date him, but that if someone else comes along in the meantime who sparks feelings in you, you're not going to tell him, "Sorry, I'm taken...well, sorta..."Right now the guy you're interested in might be somewhat torn, but he's in a pretty easy position thinking he can see how things work with his current girlfriend, and if they don't work out as great as he wants, he has you to fall back on. If he likes you, he should date you, but you shouldn't simply be there as a back-up plan. Of course it's difficult to end an almost two year relationship, but sometimes difficult decisions need to be made. Knowing that you won't be around forever waiting might spur him to action. It doesn't need to be an ultimatum—you don't have to say: "Choose me or choose her,"but simply letting him know that you're not going to turn away other guys because of him might be a wake up call, while still leaving open the possibility that if no guys you like better come along and he does end up breaking up with his girlfriend sometime down the line, you can still be together.

Dear Cybergirl,
Why do you say meeting people online is superficial? Relationships take a while to develop and deepen—regardless of where and how you meet. Using the Internet to find love is a strategy that's working for more and more people these days. How could you come off as desperate when whoever is signed up on the dating website is also trying to make a romantic connection? Of course, unless you do a little detective work, you won't know whether the person is married or a convicted sex offender. So as long as your safety radar stays with you in cyberspace, you're just using a modern and efficient way to meet new people. Let me know how things turn out.

Hi Cybergirl,
As a recent online dating aficionado myself, I can only hope that neither you nor I sound desperate resorting to searching the Internet for dates. Given the tens of thousands (maybe even hundreds of thousands) of other people using online dating sites, I don't think we need to worry too much. Our parents used to be set up on dates by their parents and other relatives. Our generation uses computers for everything (driving directions, shopping, making photo albums), and making dates is no exception. If it's not working out for you though (which I can certainly understand—the phrase quantity doesn't equal quality comes to mind), there are plenty of other ways to meet people. You can join your company's softball team, or sign up for yoga classes at your local gym, or simply get out and about more often to coffee shops, bars, etc. The advantage of online dating is that you have lots of options and it gives you the chance to get some sense of what a person is like before you actually spend time going out with them. But it's by no means a guarantee for finding the love of your life (or even a decent date for a night). There's definitely something to be said for finding a date the traditional, sans internet, way. You don't need to go exclusively one route or another though—try to meet people through clubs and teams and other places and activities in your neighborhood, but if a great guy sends you a message on whatever dating site you use, it can't hurt to give it a shot or at least send a message back.

Dear Lovestruck,
For now, continue to be her friend. If she's already made it clear that she's not looking for anything more, you risk losing a valuable friendship if you overwhelm her with your feelings for her. You say you have a romantic connection—it that reality or wishful thinking on your part? Try to be objective as you look for clues to her real feelings about you. When you sense that the timing is right, tell her how you feel, but do it in a subtle, rather than dramatic way. Make sure you preface your quiet declaration of affection by saying that above all you want your friendship to continue. If she returns your feelings, that's great. If not, accept the verdict, continue to enjoy the friendship, but put yourself into situations where you can meet new love possibilities.

Dear Lovestruck,
You're in a pretty tough situation—one I've been in myself actually. It's important that you tell her how you feel, but it's equally important when and how you tell her. Wait too long, and she might end up with another guy; too soon and she might feel as though you've just been chomping at the bit for her to end her relationship. One thing you can do is to start acting more romantically towards her—taking her on dates to dinner and the movies, making physical contact, etc.—without telling her explicitly how you feel. She'll likely realize the change on some level and react to it, either positively or negatively. Either way you will be a bit more prepared emotionally when you do tell her outright about your feelings for her. When you tell her, it's important to make it clear why you're telling her and what you are hoping will happen. If you're simply telling her because you can't bear to keep it inside any longer, and what happens next is up in the air, it makes things unclear and awkward. She may feel pressured and may react either by ignoring it or by making a rash decision. Make it clear that you feel strongly for her romantically, but that you value her friendship and don't want to lose it. Ideally she will be able to tell you how she feels about you one way or another (hopefully she will share your romantic feelings), but if she's confused, don't try to force her into a decision. Once you've told her, you won't need to remind her of your feelings, so simply continue being her friend and spending time together, and if it's meant to be, the chips will fall into place.

Dear Matt,
Better late than never. A schedule could certainly help, but don't start out too being too ambitious. If you're not the type to make and keep to a schedule, try something simple, like keeping every Saturday afternoon and evening free for fun. Be sure to make specific plans for that time or you'll find the time slipping by without any of the fun that you wanted. After a while you could even try adding on a no-work week night. Work burn-out is very common unless you discipline yourself to get away from it from time to time. By the way, the first year of teaching is typically the hardest—you should have an easier time fitting fun back into your life next year, when you've already had some experience developing lesson plans, creating strategies for interacting with the administration, and finding the right balance between order and chaos in your classroom.

Dear Matt,
If you've never made a schedule before, you might find it difficult to start following one all of a sudden, especially if it's strict. Also, given that it sounds like you're already fairly busy, not having sufficient flexibility may force you to spend more time on certain activities to the detriment of others. An easier solution (one that I use from time to time when I find myself with a lot that I want to or need to get done) is to make a to-do list. You can check off things as you do them, trying to get everything done on your list each day. Include both work-related and fun activities. You don't necessarily have to do the items in order (although that kind of structure might help at first), but try to intersperse work with fun stuff. If you still find that you're working too much and not making enough time for fun, create a more specific schedule. Start by making a list of everything you have to do for work and everything you want to do for fun. Include particular amounts of time allotted to each activity, making sure you fit the most things from each category into your day. Regardless of how you go about it though, make sure you get time to enjoy yourself—having fun is what makes life worth living.

Dear Overwhelmed,
You're letting others define your situation and your future instead of giving yourself the time to do it yourself. Take a deep breath and think about what you want and need. Learn from your previous decisions, but don't let your past define your future. Get through this semester as best as you can, and then use the summer to decide which major is best for you. Is it the one you just switched into, the one you left behind, or something totally different? Many graduate and professional schools don't care what your major was, since specialization comes after college. Lots of psychology majors become lawyers and political science majors become doctors. Try to remember that a variety of paths can take you to the same goal, so find the route that you're most comfortable with. There is never a perfect decision, so stop trying to find that. Instead, make the best decision you can with the information you now have about yourself. And don't rush into graduate or professional school right after you finish college-give yourself some time to evaluate what's really right for you. Taking a job—maybe a couple of them—might be the best thing for you and your future.

Dear Overwhelmed,
It used to be said that you couldn't get a good job without a high school diploma. Then it became you couldn't get a good job without a college degree. Now people are beginning to say you need a graduate degree of some sort, and more and more students are being geared as early as elementary school to follow a particular path of college after high school, graduate school after college, and to feel like a failure if they stumble or stray from that path along the way. Considering that I am currently in my second year off from college before going to law school (and planning on taking a third before I do finally go), I can assure you that the high school, college, graduate school road with no breaks in between is not the only way to go. Not everyone arrives at (or even finishes) college knowing exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives. And just in case you don't figure it out in college either, it's not the end of the world. Plenty of people continue searching after college for what they want to do with their lives by taking jobs and trying out different career paths. The important thing is that regardless of where you are in the process—in college, at a job, picking a new major, etc.—that you take full advantage of everything the opportunity has to offer by putting in the effort and learning not just from your successes, but also from your failures.

Dear Emily,
What a caring person you are! But recognize that your boyfriend is responsible for his decisions. As long as you're not leading him on, letting him think you'll definitely be in this relationship when he goes to who-knows-where after graduation, you're doing the right thing. Enjoy the "really great guy" you're dating and continue to have honest conversations about the future. You never know what's going to happen—yours just might become a long-distance relationship. Or not.

Emily, there's nothing wrong with wanting to continue dating your boyfriend while you're still at school together. It makes sense to want to try and enjoy the time you have together in the same place, especially if you're uncertain about the future. However, if you really think things won't work out between you two, and he's making plans for his future based on you two being together, it's important you let him know how you feel. He might not be happy about it now, but it'll save him some regret later on. One of the most important things in a good relationship is making sure both people are on the same page. It doesn't matter how serious or casual it is—as long as both people agree on what they each want out of it, everyone's happy (well, assuming there are no other problems). You can try telling this guy some of your concerns about continuing to date him and having a long-distance relationship. In fact, the time-treasured and oft-hated "it's not you, it's me" line might even apply here, if you want to explain that you're simply not very good at keeping in touch with people when they're not nearby. Try to enjoy the time you have with him though, and don't rule out a long-distance relationship right away. If the next few months turn out great, you might find you want to try it out after all.

Dear Jesse,
The good news is that you're enjoying your new job, your location, and your roommates—that's certainly a start. Give yourself time to develop strong friendships. They never happen overnight. It takes a while to totally trust and feel comfortable with new people. Find activities you enjoy—whether it's rock climbing or volunteering at a basketball clinic with kids. You'll meet people who, at the very least, share your interests. The real key is not to compare new friends to old ones. Try to appreciate your new friends for their special qualities, and recognize that you're not being disloyal to your old friends. They want you to be happy, too. And it's easy to stay connected with them online and by phone.

Dear Jesse,
Meeting people in a new place can be tough, especially if it's a big city where it's easy to feel like just another face in the crowd. More often than not, you're not going to get lucky and have people come up to you with big smiles on their faces to tell you, "You look like a real nice person, wanna be my friend? Let's get coffee!" (and if someone does do that, it might be best to be a little wary of them). However, it does help to seem approachable (try to avoid standing/sitting hunched over staring at the floor with a grimace on your face), so that if you do run into friendly people, they won't be afraid to start up a conversation. On top of that, it's helpful to join groups and clubs with people who share your interests. Joining a gym and signing up for group exercise classes is one popular idea. You can also use websites like meetup.com that allow groups to organize events for people who share the same love of hiking or speaking Spanish, or even pillow-fighting. You might have to give it some time, but eventually you'll settle in and find a decent group of friends in your new place.

Dear Monica,
You certainly learned more than the Italian language this semester. You wouldn't be devastated and concerned about breaking Leonardo's heart if you weren't a caring person. But without consciously meaning to do so, you did lead him on. The two of you clearly saw this relationship in two very different ways. Perhaps you were so caught up in the unique opportunity to experience Italy in the most intimate way possible that you lost sight of the fact that you were playing with a person's feelings. On the other hand, he saw this relationship as a very serious one, leading to marriage. Of course, he had a responsibility, too. He should have said something about his feelings sooner, just a hint to let you know the path he was on. So, what do you do now? Tell him as directly as you can that you care about him and have really enjoyed spending time with him, that he made this time in Italy incredibly memorable. But, you're not in love with him and think it's best for the two of you to end the relationship before it gets even more painful. Don't even think about the two of you remaining "friends." It won't happen.

Dear Monica
Unfortunately, there is no easy way out of your situation. Whenever one person feels more strongly about another, there are bound to be problems and feelings will get hurt. The important thing is to be honest and upfront about your feelings. Leonardo may be hurt by the revelation that you don't want to marry him, and that it's not just because you are too young. Hopefully he will appreciate the fact that you didn't lead him on and told him now, rather than two years down the road when he's buying a tuxedo for the wedding. You can make it easier on both him and yourself by trying to highlight the positives of dating him—that you do like him for who he is, that you've had a lot of fun and enjoyed the time you've spent with him, and perhaps that you'd even like to stay in touch and continue being friends with him (assuming you would like to—don't tell him this if it's not really the case). This way he won't feel that you never had any interest in him and were simply leading him on for fun. If you feel it's appropriate and won't be too difficult for you or him, you can even continue to see him and enjoy your remaining time in Italy together so that your last memories of each other aren't of the boy whose heart you broke or the girl who led him on and then broke up with him. Try to let him down gently though—as tough as this may be for you, it will likely be more difficult for him.