Parents of teens and young adults

Dear Susan,
The first thing you should do is have an in-depth conversation about your rules. Explain to Emily why you think they are important and why you chose those specific details (like 11 PM instead of midnight for a curfew). Then ask your daughter why she thinks your rules are too strict and see if you can come up with a compromise. You might also try talking with Emily's friends' parents about their rules. They might have some ideas that could work in your family.

Dear Angry Dad,
You're learning an important lesson about being a parent of a teen. You can't make your son care about the things you care about. But you can try to set a positive example, engage in a productive dialogue with him, and be patient as you wait for him to understand the consequences of his actions. Tell your son what you have observed about his approach to his schoolwork and what you think will happen if he doesn't change his attitude and actions. But then, it really is up to him. What's most important is not creating such a hostile home environment that your son stops listening to you and doesn't care any longer about what you think.

Dear Frustrated Mom,
Think about the positives first—she's learned how to budget, she has a job, and she cares about how she looks. Instead of nagging her about her schoolwork, get more involved in what interests her. Ask her for fashion advice, go shopping with her, suggest that she do a makeover for your look. The more time you spend together doing activities she enjoys, the more time you have to casually mention other topics, such as homework and college. Perhaps her new fascination with appearance is your daughter's way of rebelling—you don't care about fashion, so she will.

Dear Frustrated Mom,
Try to turn your daughter's new interest (or obsession) into something positive and constructive. Tell her that you've noticed her growing interest in fashion and ask if she thinks she might want to have a career that's related directly or indirectly to fashion. Volunteer to help her explore opportunities related to fashion and see if you can find a way to incorporate fashion into her schoolwork. Or help her apply what she's studying in school to the fashion world so she'll be more interested in her academic life. The most important thing is to show that you're interested in what she does and to encourage her to pursue her interests without losing sight of other things that are important, like school and family.

Dear Fuchsia,
Since you knew the answer—they were online for two hours—it probably would have been better not to have asked the question. They are well aware that you would not be happy with the answer, so they lied to avoid your anger or disappointment. Think of this situation as an opportunity to help them with time management. Have a conversation with each child separately—divide and conquer might work here. Come to some kind of agreement as to what makes sense in terms of amount of screen time—both computer and television—for school days and weekends. Help them focus on their other responsibilities and activities, such as chores, family time, homework, and sports. Give each child a timer or stopwatch so they can monitor their screen time without you hovering over them—something they are sure to hate.

Dear Fuchsia,
These days, computers are used for everything from work and school to socializing and playing games, so the "computer time" debate is a little bit different from the "TV time" debate of old. Unlike with television, being proficient on the computer and familiar with the latest technology is vital to your child's education and personal development. With that in mind, the question is not so much how much time is acceptable, but rather what your children are doing with that time. If they are spending hours playing games, you might want to consider limiting that time, or at least mandating that they spend an equivalent amount of time engaging in educational or other more productive activities first before they get more time playing games.

Restricting time spent chatting with friends online is a bit more difficult, as many adolescents cultivate and expand friendships primarily through the Internet, and studies have shown that successful online social networking can actually help improve a child's social development. If your children are doing something creative, like designing their own web site or keeping a blog, you might even want to encourage them, as long as you keep an eye on the content. Nevertheless, it is important that children not spend all their time on the computer, and that they stay involved with sports and being physical active.

Dear Eileen,
The behaviors you described are typical for teens. Zach is testing you, trying to figure out how much he can get away with. Your job is to set limits, but also to allow Zach to deal with the consequences of his behavior. For example, don't make excuses to his teacher when Zach doesn't finish his homework. Talk to Zach about the importance of trust and respect in a relationship. The more responsible he is, the more you will allow him to be independent and make his own decisions. The most important thing you can do is figure out fun activities the two of you can do together—whether it's pizza and movie night at home or helping him plan a party for his friends. Make dinner a time for the two of you to talk about topics that don't put the spotlight on what he's doing wrong. The less Zach avoids you, the more influence you will continue to have in his life.

Dear Terri,
If everything else seems to be fine– no drastic changes in his behavior– your son is probably acting like a typical, normal teenager. Separating from you and becoming more independent are important tasks of adolescence. Try to find activities you can do together. Whether it's playing Guitar Hero or ice skating, use those opportunities to talk about something you saw online or heard on the radio—anything to get some kind of conversation going. Asking questions will push him further away, but sharing something interesting might bring him into a discussion. Continue to be open with him, and he'll come to you when he has something to say.