Parents of Kids

Dear Belise,
You're attending college, trying to build a better life for yourself and your daughter. Congratulations for working hard to get your life on track. You say that your parents are jealous, but perhaps they are just trying to do what they consider to be best for your child. You are sleeping on the floor—is that what you want for your daughter, too? Your ultimate goal is commendable—being reunited with the daughter you clearly love. Focus now on finishing your schooling and getting a job, and continue to spend as much time as you can with your daughter. Give her a chance to see you as a role model in addition to being her mom. The path ahead of you is a hard one, but if you stay motivated, you will achieve your goal.

Dear Frazzled,
Balancing work and family life is always a challenge, and guilt about not giving your all to either dimension of your life can make you feel even worse. Here are some strategies you can try to see what works best for you and your family. Tell your children you need 10 minutes to relax when you first come home and then you’ll be able to pay full attention to them. Then make sure you follow through on your promise. Also, include your kids in dinner preparations. Even toddlers can help with simple things like washing lettuce leaves—they love doing that kind of thing. Leave kitchen clean-up for your husband so you don’t have to deal with that. Instead do something fun with the kids after dinner, like dance, read aloud, or sing along with music you all like. Finally, make sure you put time in your schedule to take care of yourself—alone time for getting a massage, taking a walk, or reading a novel. Tell your husband that you’ll be a better mother—and wife—when he makes sure you have that time for yourself.

Dear Anita,
You know first-hand how difficult it is being shy, and your daughter is probably very embarrassed that she had an accident at school. Try to get her to see that you understand how things like that happen. You might want to talk to her teacher about creating an easier way for your daughter to leave the room, without having to raise her hand and ask in front of the class. Also, have your daughter practice being more assertive. Try role-playing, which can be fun and often an effective strategy. You don’t have to focus on the situation that brought up this issue, but rather help her develop more general social skills.

Dear Bella,
You should be proud of your daughter, who, at the age of eight, is able to say: "That's not something a real friend would say" to a bully. But I'm wondering why the bully is telling your daughter "Well, you keep insulting Sarah." Perhaps your daughter has been doing her own bit of bullying, perhaps as a defensive strategy. Talk to your daughter a bit more about what's going on, including asking about her actions. Your daughter is at an ideal age to learn a variety of strategies for dealing with bullies, without becoming one herself. My book, Girls: What's So Bad About Being Good? How to Have Fun, Survive the Preteen Years, and Remain True to Yourself, offers a number of suggestions, from acting self-confident to asking friends for support. If your daughter's best friend has already transferred to a different school to avoid bring bullied, then the situation is one that needs action. Kids can't keep leaving a school since, unfortunately, bullies can be found everywhere. Focus on helping your daughter continue to be assertive (but not aggressive) and work with your school to set up an anti-bullying program. 

Dear Rose,
It's hard for pre-teens to move and make new friends. Your daughter is probably still getting used to her new situation. She's living in a new place and is no longer going to a school where she can socialize with kids she's known for a long time. It's okay that she's not a social butterfly, but encourage her to invite her friends over to your house. You and your daughter might also look into community after-school and weekend programs for girls her age. Not only would she be doing fun activities, but she would also have natural opportunities to develop new friendships. In the meantime, you're her security, so don't push too hard.

Dear Teri,
When my son and daughter were the age yours are now, we would often drive several hours to get to our vacation destination. One thing that worked extremely well was something that became a tradition in our family. I would pack up a shopping bag filled with a large number of small toys and games, each one wrapped separately. Every 15 minutes or so, I would give one to each child. In between, we would play travel games, like Geography or 20 Questions or others that we made up through the years of traveling by car. One of our favorites was Guess my Career in which one of us came up with a job and everyone else would ask questions that could only be answered “yes” or “no.” It was a great way to teach about careers, pass the time, and have lots of laughs.

Dear Beth,
Some children can easily shrug off a parent's worry, while others are more sensitive to those feelings. Although you're trying to shield your concern from your child, Amanda probably has a very good idea about how you're feeling. Your daughter has probably decided that if her aunt can become seriously ill, so can her mother. Instead of pretending that nothing is wrong, tell Amanda that you're concerned about your sister and that you're hoping they'll find out soon what's going on and can begin to treat her illness. Let Amanda know that you've noticed that she's been asking a lot of questions about your health and you think it might be connected to the fact that her aunt is sick. Tell her that you understand her feelings, but that you're fine. Continue to be honest about what's going on with your sister. Don't tell her more than she needs to know, but enough for her to realize that she can talk with you about the situation.

Dear Katie,
If you had already told your son about the gymnastics party, you need to tell him about the change in plans right away. Don't go into great detail about the state of your finances, but let him know that you'll have to celebrate his party in a different way. Include him in brainstorming some other possibilities. How about an obstacle course that your family sets up in a backyard or nearby park? What about a fun cooking project—perhaps having the guests make their own cupcakes, which they get to eat—can be lots of fun, even if a little messy. Travel to an imaginary destination can work, too. What's important is creating a festive atmosphere, finding a theme that your son likes, and keeping the kids involved and active.

Dear Fuchsia,
Since you knew the answer—they were online for two hours—it probably would have been better not to have asked the question. They are well aware that you would not be happy with the answer, so they lied to avoid your anger or disappointment. Think of this situation as an opportunity to help them with time management. Have a conversation with each child separately—divide and conquer might work here. Come to some kind of agreement as to what makes sense in terms of amount of screen time—both computer and television—for school days and weekends. Help them focus on their other responsibilities and activities, such as chores, family time, homework, and sports. Give each child a timer or stopwatch so they can monitor their screen time without you hovering over them—something they are sure to hate.

Dear Fuchsia,
These days, computers are used for everything from work and school to socializing and playing games, so the "computer time" debate is a little bit different from the "TV time" debate of old. Unlike with television, being proficient on the computer and familiar with the latest technology is vital to your child's education and personal development. With that in mind, the question is not so much how much time is acceptable, but rather what your children are doing with that time. If they are spending hours playing games, you might want to consider limiting that time, or at least mandating that they spend an equivalent amount of time engaging in educational or other more productive activities first before they get more time playing games.

Restricting time spent chatting with friends online is a bit more difficult, as many adolescents cultivate and expand friendships primarily through the Internet, and studies have shown that successful online social networking can actually help improve a child's social development. If your children are doing something creative, like designing their own web site or keeping a blog, you might even want to encourage them, as long as you keep an eye on the content. Nevertheless, it is important that children not spend all their time on the computer, and that they stay involved with sports and being physical active.

Dear Cindy,
Three hours of homework is too much for a third grader. A half-hour to an hour of homework is much more appropriate for that grade level. But before you talk to your son's teacher, assess whether the teacher is giving too much work or your son is taking too long to do the work. Is your son concentrating on his work or being distracted by other things? Is he having trouble understanding the concepts, but afraid to ask for help? If the problem is on your son's end, you can make suggestions that will help him. But, if the teacher really is giving too much homework, make an appointment to talk to her/him. Explain that you understand the importance of homework, but that too much means that the students don't get a chance to do other important things, like read on their own and play outside.

Dear Danielle,
Samantha is probably upset for two reasons. One, a classmate was bullied and two, she didn't do anything to stop it. Giving Samantha time to vent and talk about what happened is step one. But it's important to go beyond that. Your daughter clearly understands that her classmates were being cruel, but she may not know what to do when she witnesses bullying. Ask her to practice saying something when she observes teasing. In this instance, she might have said: It isn't fair to make fun of Alice. Her grandmother died and she needs our support. Even if her classmates continue to be mean, Samantha will feel better about herself when she stands up to bad behavior. As far as the school is concerned, you might suggest to the teacher or principal that a session about bullying is in order. The school could bring in an outside facilitator (someone who doesn't know the students) to run a couple of sessions—one for teachers to help them recognize bullying and deal appropriately with it and one for students to teach them more positive ways to act.